I have been recently inspired to start writing here again....
Check Check... anybody out there or do I need to find readers again?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Congratulations to Professor Rothblum, an esteemed academic across several fields....
http://www.voiceofsandiego.org/articles/2009/09/11/people/891rothblum091109.txt#info
I would love to start both a personal and academic/research conversation about the topic of fat studies....
I do feel that while MUCH discrimination and isms still exist and are inherent in the very fabric of what we now know as American culture, Fat/weight/size discrimination is one of the last acceptable forms.... and this is the decade inwhich to address it.
Let no person be denied the justice and right of revelling in all that they are, untouched by the rhetoric and policy of managed care, by the discrimination of those who are afraid of the implications.
What would society do if we all loved ourselves?
Capitalism might fall....
The rich might stop getting rich and the poor might stop dropping into poverty ....
The earth might stop.
Love yourself.... create revolution
http://www.voiceofsandiego.org/articles/2009/09/11/people/891rothblum091109.txt#info
I would love to start both a personal and academic/research conversation about the topic of fat studies....
I do feel that while MUCH discrimination and isms still exist and are inherent in the very fabric of what we now know as American culture, Fat/weight/size discrimination is one of the last acceptable forms.... and this is the decade inwhich to address it.
Let no person be denied the justice and right of revelling in all that they are, untouched by the rhetoric and policy of managed care, by the discrimination of those who are afraid of the implications.
What would society do if we all loved ourselves?
Capitalism might fall....
The rich might stop getting rich and the poor might stop dropping into poverty ....
The earth might stop.
Love yourself.... create revolution
Friday, August 28, 2009
Through the dissaproving look she sported, she managed one last sentence as she strode away and back into her busy life. "That weight looks awful on you."
I awoke with a start, my body in a state of panic. THAT weight? WHAT weight?
I ran my hands over my naked torso. It was a hot and humid summer and I had taken to forgetting about the mere existance of pajamas. My body felt smooth. It wasnt any different than the previous day. I took a deep breathe, rolled onto my side, grabbed a teddy bear and rocked myself back to sleep.
These dreams had been happening every night. Well not these exact same ones. Most of them involved getting on a scale and seeing a number that was unnaceptable. These dreams used to have specific numbers in them, but the numbers had vanished and sheer feeling had replaced it.
It had been years since the worst of it. Why was I having these dreams now? And further, when would they stop?
I awoke with a start, my body in a state of panic. THAT weight? WHAT weight?
I ran my hands over my naked torso. It was a hot and humid summer and I had taken to forgetting about the mere existance of pajamas. My body felt smooth. It wasnt any different than the previous day. I took a deep breathe, rolled onto my side, grabbed a teddy bear and rocked myself back to sleep.
These dreams had been happening every night. Well not these exact same ones. Most of them involved getting on a scale and seeing a number that was unnaceptable. These dreams used to have specific numbers in them, but the numbers had vanished and sheer feeling had replaced it.
It had been years since the worst of it. Why was I having these dreams now? And further, when would they stop?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
I find myself back here, grappling with the loss of a comrade. 28 years old and it makes me want to kick up some dust. It makes me want others to join me further than they already have. It makes me want a unified movement, coming together to say NO.
Michale was 28 years old when her heart stopped.
Eating disorders kill.
Dirge without Music
Michale was 28 years old when her heart stopped.
Eating disorders kill.
Dirge without Music
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, --
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Nag champa swirls through the air that hasnt ventured to touch my skin over the past weekend. I was at OneTaste all weekend for Nicole's course.
masculine... feminine...communication... blah blah blah, but SHE is wonderful.
Her energy is beautiful.
I see myself in her.
I am left questioning and yearning for a new birth.
My revolution.
I know what it feels like, but what is it's reality?
Closer
Im getting closer
masculine... feminine...communication... blah blah blah, but SHE is wonderful.
Her energy is beautiful.
I see myself in her.
I am left questioning and yearning for a new birth.
My revolution.
I know what it feels like, but what is it's reality?
Closer
Im getting closer
Monday, January 26, 2009
I finally have something to blog about. COUNTERTRANSFERENCE and the BODY
Fucking clients. Just kidding....no not really.
Every first year in the social work program has to do a needs/program evaluation and program implimentation. My advisor is quite strict, so it cant be some stupid flier you hand out like it can be in other classes.
For my project, I am doing a yoga and somatics processing group. I had the sign up in the hall way after announcing it at house meeting last wednesday. It was supposed to be a 10 person group and well over 30 signed up after somebody decided that the 10 lines werent obvious.
I like being the popular person, even if I dont have time for it these days.
Anyway, I was walking down the hall today, feeling pretty neutral about my body when one of the male clients asked me if I was teaching yoga.
I stopped and turned to him, giving him my full attention as I like to do when speaking with the clients where I work.
"Yes, I am" I said..
He eyes my body up and down. I feel very uncomfortable and objectified. It is rare that I am this privy to what another person is doing with regard to my body when it isnt a sexual encounter or flirting.
"You dont LOOK like you do yoga" he says....
COUNTERTRANSFERENCE BLAST
My inner dialogue "He called you fat, youre too fat to be a yoga teacher, OMG OMG OMG"
"Hmm, what do you mean?" I ask in a very value neutral way
"I dont know, you can bend yourself into all sorts of things?"
I walk back into my office that I share with another social worker and tell her I need to vent for a minute. She knows a bit about my history and Im open with her about these things.
"Im in Countertransference hell" I admit and tell her whats been going on.
She replies "He could have meant you arent 5"2" and boy shaped..."
UGH!!!!!
When I work with ED clients, Im prepared for this. I KNOW they have a distorted view of bodies and arm myself up for that.
This was HARD!
Im doing okay, but feeling very puffy tonight.
Fucking clients. Just kidding....no not really.
Every first year in the social work program has to do a needs/program evaluation and program implimentation. My advisor is quite strict, so it cant be some stupid flier you hand out like it can be in other classes.
For my project, I am doing a yoga and somatics processing group. I had the sign up in the hall way after announcing it at house meeting last wednesday. It was supposed to be a 10 person group and well over 30 signed up after somebody decided that the 10 lines werent obvious.
I like being the popular person, even if I dont have time for it these days.
Anyway, I was walking down the hall today, feeling pretty neutral about my body when one of the male clients asked me if I was teaching yoga.
I stopped and turned to him, giving him my full attention as I like to do when speaking with the clients where I work.
"Yes, I am" I said..
He eyes my body up and down. I feel very uncomfortable and objectified. It is rare that I am this privy to what another person is doing with regard to my body when it isnt a sexual encounter or flirting.
"You dont LOOK like you do yoga" he says....
COUNTERTRANSFERENCE BLAST
My inner dialogue "He called you fat, youre too fat to be a yoga teacher, OMG OMG OMG"
"Hmm, what do you mean?" I ask in a very value neutral way
"I dont know, you can bend yourself into all sorts of things?"
I walk back into my office that I share with another social worker and tell her I need to vent for a minute. She knows a bit about my history and Im open with her about these things.
"Im in Countertransference hell" I admit and tell her whats been going on.
She replies "He could have meant you arent 5"2" and boy shaped..."
UGH!!!!!
When I work with ED clients, Im prepared for this. I KNOW they have a distorted view of bodies and arm myself up for that.
This was HARD!
Im doing okay, but feeling very puffy tonight.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I have this intense resistance to blogging lately. I dont know why.
Maybe ill find out why by doing it...
So what is up? Im doing A LOT, but I want to be doing it all.
I "broke up
with my nutritionist. I wrote her a long sentimental and yet very true letter about getting needs met, etc. I sent it. I am half waiting to hear something from her, and half not. I dont know. My part is over.
Show up
Pay attention
tell the truth
let go
I am letting myself be helped. That feels new. Im opening, growing.
SOmeone asked how I was tonight and I was honest in that my energy has been very up and down and that I can be turned on and ready to take life on, one ginormous freaking thing at a time and the next, I am up all night, re-experiencing trauma that I didnt feel the first time.
I know I am moving through something.
The person I told this to... they said I could come hang out whenever, even if they were busy... if I didnt want to sit alone with that.
IT feels so good to be seen, to be helped, to be loved in that place.
I also have a BIG old crush. On a girl, for once. When was the last time that happened?
I feel so connected to her and RAWR... oy!
Hmm...
Oh, I said NO today. I stood up for myself.
The director of my placement site said It is now manditory that all interns be there until a certain time wednesday night. I am there until 7 (which already means I dont get home until 8:30). She wants us there until 8:30, which means I dont get home until 10, which means I dont get to sleep until 12 on a really good day. I would only get to sleep until 8 because I would have to be up and on the subway to be back at 10.
Its probably enough sleep, but I wouldnt get any work done, wouldnt have any time for Self.
It wouldnt feel really bad in my life.
She said I had to
I said no
She said I had to
I said NO, and I will call my field advisor to let him know that If this is a requirement then they will need to find me a new placement as I would never have accepted this 6 months ago if this had been a requirement.
I am not willing to do that to myself.
You know what?
that NO felt FUCKING GOOD!
Okay.... bed time....
For another time when I am more awake.... I need to journal about why it is so hard for me to ask for what I want when it involves other people.
OH, and I FREAKING have had it with Oprah.
After reading her magazine last month, I felt she redeemed herself.
On the cover of this months magazine?
WHICH DIET WORKS BEST.
Um... and yet ANOTHER magazine I cant read now.
Boo.
Maybe ill find out why by doing it...
So what is up? Im doing A LOT, but I want to be doing it all.
I "broke up
with my nutritionist. I wrote her a long sentimental and yet very true letter about getting needs met, etc. I sent it. I am half waiting to hear something from her, and half not. I dont know. My part is over.
Show up
Pay attention
tell the truth
let go
I am letting myself be helped. That feels new. Im opening, growing.
SOmeone asked how I was tonight and I was honest in that my energy has been very up and down and that I can be turned on and ready to take life on, one ginormous freaking thing at a time and the next, I am up all night, re-experiencing trauma that I didnt feel the first time.
I know I am moving through something.
The person I told this to... they said I could come hang out whenever, even if they were busy... if I didnt want to sit alone with that.
IT feels so good to be seen, to be helped, to be loved in that place.
I also have a BIG old crush. On a girl, for once. When was the last time that happened?
I feel so connected to her and RAWR... oy!
Hmm...
Oh, I said NO today. I stood up for myself.
The director of my placement site said It is now manditory that all interns be there until a certain time wednesday night. I am there until 7 (which already means I dont get home until 8:30). She wants us there until 8:30, which means I dont get home until 10, which means I dont get to sleep until 12 on a really good day. I would only get to sleep until 8 because I would have to be up and on the subway to be back at 10.
Its probably enough sleep, but I wouldnt get any work done, wouldnt have any time for Self.
It wouldnt feel really bad in my life.
She said I had to
I said no
She said I had to
I said NO, and I will call my field advisor to let him know that If this is a requirement then they will need to find me a new placement as I would never have accepted this 6 months ago if this had been a requirement.
I am not willing to do that to myself.
You know what?
that NO felt FUCKING GOOD!
Okay.... bed time....
For another time when I am more awake.... I need to journal about why it is so hard for me to ask for what I want when it involves other people.
OH, and I FREAKING have had it with Oprah.
After reading her magazine last month, I felt she redeemed herself.
On the cover of this months magazine?
WHICH DIET WORKS BEST.
Um... and yet ANOTHER magazine I cant read now.
Boo.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I am sitting on the couch, Desperate Housewives slowely coming to a close in the background and I am attempting to peice together what I want to say.
What DO I want to say?
I dont recall all the things I felt so pushed to write about earlier this week.
Ive been having significant problems with my diatician. I KNOW it is time to switch, but I cannot let her go. There are so many amazing things about her as a person and it is with a LOT of greif and mourning that I will have to do this. I need to write her a letter as opposed to doing it on the phone. I am hoping there is a way we can still keep in touch.
I also need to call the new diatician, which I have been trying to get myself to do for weeks.
Somebody hold me to this?
Also, Im hanging out with a new group of people. They are amazing and I feel like I have been searching for them for a long time. Theyre all friends and they (mostly) live and work at the organization thayre involved with, which I am now involved with too. Its based on connected living and other precepts that I will not get in to here, but you can ask more if you like... by email or facebook...
Also, did I mention I finally had sex? It was terrible sex, actually, but being present in my naked body with someone else naked and just laying around... no covers, for the first time in my life without a body that had something more associated with it (beyond my scars) was new and beautiful.
Cheers to sex in 09!
What DO I want to say?
I dont recall all the things I felt so pushed to write about earlier this week.
Ive been having significant problems with my diatician. I KNOW it is time to switch, but I cannot let her go. There are so many amazing things about her as a person and it is with a LOT of greif and mourning that I will have to do this. I need to write her a letter as opposed to doing it on the phone. I am hoping there is a way we can still keep in touch.
I also need to call the new diatician, which I have been trying to get myself to do for weeks.
Somebody hold me to this?
Also, Im hanging out with a new group of people. They are amazing and I feel like I have been searching for them for a long time. Theyre all friends and they (mostly) live and work at the organization thayre involved with, which I am now involved with too. Its based on connected living and other precepts that I will not get in to here, but you can ask more if you like... by email or facebook...
Also, did I mention I finally had sex? It was terrible sex, actually, but being present in my naked body with someone else naked and just laying around... no covers, for the first time in my life without a body that had something more associated with it (beyond my scars) was new and beautiful.
Cheers to sex in 09!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I feel like im going crazy tonight.
Its 2 am. I have to be up at 8.
I want to binge and purge so badly and on top of that, I cant sleep.
I have so much anxiety and I dont know what about.
My roomate got back today. Shes been running every day of break and plans to join a gym and work up to a 5k.
FUCK.... thats so triggering for me.
I keep hearing *not good enough, not good enough*
I dont even know what to say, I feel like so much has gone on and all of it makes me feel terrible and inadiquate and im scared to start the semester this way.
Frankly, Im scared to go to work and start the semester.
What the fuck is going on with me?
Why have I been so depressed lately? Sleep? Meds? Having been sick? Combination?
All I know is that im fucking scared.
What else...
Im back in NY... dont know if I said that....
I FAILED at work last week... seriously... I didnt go monday because I was sick, wednesday my supervisor sent me home because appearently I looked like I felt, and thursday I called in because I felt shitty still.....
Im meeting internal resistance and I dont know if I should feel this way or not...
Im trying to breathe but im so scared!
I also just took on a huge ED policy related project, which is SUPER exciting....
and I got my policy paper back from last semester... my final... and the ONE teacher I really respected and I got an A!!! with great comments...
That felt good.
Its 2 am. I have to be up at 8.
I want to binge and purge so badly and on top of that, I cant sleep.
I have so much anxiety and I dont know what about.
My roomate got back today. Shes been running every day of break and plans to join a gym and work up to a 5k.
FUCK.... thats so triggering for me.
I keep hearing *not good enough, not good enough*
I dont even know what to say, I feel like so much has gone on and all of it makes me feel terrible and inadiquate and im scared to start the semester this way.
Frankly, Im scared to go to work and start the semester.
What the fuck is going on with me?
Why have I been so depressed lately? Sleep? Meds? Having been sick? Combination?
All I know is that im fucking scared.
What else...
Im back in NY... dont know if I said that....
I FAILED at work last week... seriously... I didnt go monday because I was sick, wednesday my supervisor sent me home because appearently I looked like I felt, and thursday I called in because I felt shitty still.....
Im meeting internal resistance and I dont know if I should feel this way or not...
Im trying to breathe but im so scared!
I also just took on a huge ED policy related project, which is SUPER exciting....
and I got my policy paper back from last semester... my final... and the ONE teacher I really respected and I got an A!!! with great comments...
That felt good.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Its 2:45 AM. I cant sleep. I feel like Im reliving eating disorder up all night syndrome or something...
You know... where you either cant sleep at all or you cant get up?
Im not sure why. Im not undereating and I havent purged in days.
Im DEFFINITELY not overexercising (home in LA... )
I will admit I might have taken laxitives for the first time in.... well... 2 years? tonight, but it wasnt as much of a weight thing as it was a "jesus, this iron I have to take is making things not work so well" kind of thing... and of course, I had the scale somewhat in the back of my mind when finally taking them tonight, since theyve been sitting there for awhile.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or dont do behavior wise, my head is a mess, so the line between not using my ED and using symptoms is a stupid formality.
Ive gone months and months without using behaviors... eating hapily and normally... and still, my head will be the same.
Its a war zone inside there. Its contstant torture. Im always, every second of every day, afraid that im gaining weight, that im overeating. I live in fear and I dont want to!
Its so painful and I dont know why tonight is especially so.
Im laying here and besides all of that crap, Im also thinking of life stuff that has nothing to do with food. Im wondering why I wasnt important when I lived at the step down house. Im wondering why I am not as speical to K as C is, or why I was never A's pet like T is. When do I get to be special to someone? Ive always tried to MAKE myself special instead of assuming I should just BE special, but that hasnt really worked either... atleast not in a lasting way. I want to be special for who I am and not how much work I do.
I admit that ive been glancing a little longer at the diet pills lately... not buying or taking.... just looking... as if the right one might pop out at me.
I just dont want to live like this anymore. I want to trust myself and my body and my intuition and I FUCKING NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP ME DO THAT
I have a fucking headache and I cant sleep and Im whining and bitching and am probably going to regret posting this in the morning.
Argh!!
You know... where you either cant sleep at all or you cant get up?
Im not sure why. Im not undereating and I havent purged in days.
Im DEFFINITELY not overexercising (home in LA... )
I will admit I might have taken laxitives for the first time in.... well... 2 years? tonight, but it wasnt as much of a weight thing as it was a "jesus, this iron I have to take is making things not work so well" kind of thing... and of course, I had the scale somewhat in the back of my mind when finally taking them tonight, since theyve been sitting there for awhile.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or dont do behavior wise, my head is a mess, so the line between not using my ED and using symptoms is a stupid formality.
Ive gone months and months without using behaviors... eating hapily and normally... and still, my head will be the same.
Its a war zone inside there. Its contstant torture. Im always, every second of every day, afraid that im gaining weight, that im overeating. I live in fear and I dont want to!
Its so painful and I dont know why tonight is especially so.
Im laying here and besides all of that crap, Im also thinking of life stuff that has nothing to do with food. Im wondering why I wasnt important when I lived at the step down house. Im wondering why I am not as speical to K as C is, or why I was never A's pet like T is. When do I get to be special to someone? Ive always tried to MAKE myself special instead of assuming I should just BE special, but that hasnt really worked either... atleast not in a lasting way. I want to be special for who I am and not how much work I do.
I admit that ive been glancing a little longer at the diet pills lately... not buying or taking.... just looking... as if the right one might pop out at me.
I just dont want to live like this anymore. I want to trust myself and my body and my intuition and I FUCKING NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP ME DO THAT
I have a fucking headache and I cant sleep and Im whining and bitching and am probably going to regret posting this in the morning.
Argh!!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Hello 2009. Hello World.
A brief update on the current before I delve into the past...
I was supposed to go back to NYC today, but I am too sick, so I will be flying back wednesday.
I HATE laying around the house when I dont want to! I HATE staying home all day!
Anyway.
New Years Eve day was a beautiful mix of everything. I woke up in the morning and headed to the Krishna temple. I love the energy and community that exists there. The energy always makes my eyes water.
I met someone I hadnt seen in 6 years. I had a teacher in high school, who wasnt my teacher, but worked at the school. She was an AMAZING woman, who existed in a way that inspired me to want to be like her. She loved deeply, said what was on her mind, told her truth clearly, inspite of potential opposition and was just remarkable. She also gave rather amazing hugs.
She was the first teacher at the school who said out loud and clear that she was a lesbian, in school where we were based on diversity and she was respected for it.
She was the first adult that I came out to.
When I was living at the transition house, one day I wrote letters to all of the strong remarkable woman who I had encountered but lost along the way and she was one of them. I got an email back, but meeting up never worked. Years later, recently, we found eachother on facebook and have a lot in common. We both value vulnerability and are very spiritual people. She dances with 5 rhythyms and lives with a river coursing through her front yard. We have both changed a lot.
So we met up at the Krishna temple and laid on the grass and talked for 2 hours.
What a beautiful, full, whole woman!
She asked whatever happened after high school, what happened for me there, what became of my sexuality.
I told her my story as I now know it. She seemed a bit awed by the intensity of my journey. She mentioned that she didnt remember me as being heavy in high school. I was already well over 200 lbs, so I know I was. How interesting that she didnt remember me that way. She spoke of her first long term lover and how she was heavy and we both spoke about our appreciation of women who were atleast curvy or more well rounded.
It is true. I am more attracted to women with a little extra shape to them. I think bodies are sexy. We talked about feminism and weight and eating disorders a little bit.
She said something interesting about how having an eating disorder and being a feminist is only contradictory if you deny it, if you dont talk about it....
if you dont say that " yes, we starve ourselves, we throw up, we cut our bodies, we gorge ourselves on food. Yes. This is woman. It is not all woman, but it is one layer of woman.... welcome"
WOW. That felt really profound for me.
We talked about our lives... loves....
I talked about waking up to men in college and the fluidity of my sexuality. I realized in talking about it, how LITTLE I actually talk about it and in a way am almost dishonest about it in my lack of talking about it. Why is this? I have always been such an LGBT activist. Why dont I mention it?
I think that with regard to living in my truth, I am going to start questioning this and taking risks again with this. I will see what comes up, because I dont know WHY I dont talk about it much anymore.
I want to live my truth in it's wholeness.
We spoke about dancing, and vulnerability. About happiness and being happy. About old times! Embaressing old times... mostly hers... things she did as a teacher that she didnt remember... hysterical things like teaching about S&M during a women's studies sex ed class.
How we have all grown.
I said to her that as she was someone I always immensily respected and how good it feels to know that I have grown to embody some of the same things.
After that...
I left and went to my nutritionist... where I proceeded to flip out afterwards and put on PJ's and get into bed for awhile. I dont actually know WHY I flipped out other than some things were very triggering for me.
Then I spent the night with the girls I lived in the transition house with. We saw the Nixon movie, which was GREAT!
Then L and I went back to her apt and walked down to the beach just intime for midnight and 2009. We skipped, danced and felt the beauty of all that we were.
It was amazing!
I drove home and tried to sleep, but the Shakti from my Sangha's new years retreat wouldnt let me. I got up at the crack of dawn and drove up to Santa Barbara to meditate and welcome the new year. I drove two hours through the foggy dew... the ghosts of the past year leaving and when I walked into the room the energy was unspeakable. There was a 6 foot Shiva as part of the Puja... it was gorgeous!
We meditated all day and I got to catch up with E and got hugs from lot of people.
It was good to talk to my teacher as well. His energy was so healing and reinvigorating.
We read the gita together, which was cool.
I felt like I was cleansed in so many ways... which is perhaps why I am sick now... letting go of all the crap...
I drove back, hit a Jewish Deli and went to bed, to sleep better than in a long time.
I have been struggling a little bit with purging, on the topic of living in truth. Yeah. Welcome.
I am supposed to call a diatician in NYC... a specific one who is really good. Im scared frankly. I am scared shitless to have someone in my food again. I am so afraid I am overeating, which is why the purging is surfacing. Doing things from the past. I dont know.
In reality, I am here, this is my truth. Im going to speak it.
On another note, my mother just offered me a cookie and I turned it down. Why? Because I really didnt want it. COOL!
I am just trusting that amongst the chaos that has been my life with food, something in there is speaking, whispering and will get louder. As L said on new years as I was talking to her, I know and I have always known. I am most likely not overeating and am likely doing the exact right thing for me with food.
Im trying to trust.
I had most of my stitches out yesterday. Several of them popped again, so once again, I am left with open wounds. Okay. I can live that way. Metaphorically speaking, I have learned to live with open wounds, draining as opposed to attempting to keep mending something which will not mend.
So! Welcome 2009 and everybody in it. Welcome...
My resolution for all of you? May we ALL know our own beauty!
A brief update on the current before I delve into the past...
I was supposed to go back to NYC today, but I am too sick, so I will be flying back wednesday.
I HATE laying around the house when I dont want to! I HATE staying home all day!
Anyway.
New Years Eve day was a beautiful mix of everything. I woke up in the morning and headed to the Krishna temple. I love the energy and community that exists there. The energy always makes my eyes water.
I met someone I hadnt seen in 6 years. I had a teacher in high school, who wasnt my teacher, but worked at the school. She was an AMAZING woman, who existed in a way that inspired me to want to be like her. She loved deeply, said what was on her mind, told her truth clearly, inspite of potential opposition and was just remarkable. She also gave rather amazing hugs.
She was the first teacher at the school who said out loud and clear that she was a lesbian, in school where we were based on diversity and she was respected for it.
She was the first adult that I came out to.
When I was living at the transition house, one day I wrote letters to all of the strong remarkable woman who I had encountered but lost along the way and she was one of them. I got an email back, but meeting up never worked. Years later, recently, we found eachother on facebook and have a lot in common. We both value vulnerability and are very spiritual people. She dances with 5 rhythyms and lives with a river coursing through her front yard. We have both changed a lot.
So we met up at the Krishna temple and laid on the grass and talked for 2 hours.
What a beautiful, full, whole woman!
She asked whatever happened after high school, what happened for me there, what became of my sexuality.
I told her my story as I now know it. She seemed a bit awed by the intensity of my journey. She mentioned that she didnt remember me as being heavy in high school. I was already well over 200 lbs, so I know I was. How interesting that she didnt remember me that way. She spoke of her first long term lover and how she was heavy and we both spoke about our appreciation of women who were atleast curvy or more well rounded.
It is true. I am more attracted to women with a little extra shape to them. I think bodies are sexy. We talked about feminism and weight and eating disorders a little bit.
She said something interesting about how having an eating disorder and being a feminist is only contradictory if you deny it, if you dont talk about it....
if you dont say that " yes, we starve ourselves, we throw up, we cut our bodies, we gorge ourselves on food. Yes. This is woman. It is not all woman, but it is one layer of woman.... welcome"
WOW. That felt really profound for me.
We talked about our lives... loves....
I talked about waking up to men in college and the fluidity of my sexuality. I realized in talking about it, how LITTLE I actually talk about it and in a way am almost dishonest about it in my lack of talking about it. Why is this? I have always been such an LGBT activist. Why dont I mention it?
I think that with regard to living in my truth, I am going to start questioning this and taking risks again with this. I will see what comes up, because I dont know WHY I dont talk about it much anymore.
I want to live my truth in it's wholeness.
We spoke about dancing, and vulnerability. About happiness and being happy. About old times! Embaressing old times... mostly hers... things she did as a teacher that she didnt remember... hysterical things like teaching about S&M during a women's studies sex ed class.
How we have all grown.
I said to her that as she was someone I always immensily respected and how good it feels to know that I have grown to embody some of the same things.
After that...
I left and went to my nutritionist... where I proceeded to flip out afterwards and put on PJ's and get into bed for awhile. I dont actually know WHY I flipped out other than some things were very triggering for me.
Then I spent the night with the girls I lived in the transition house with. We saw the Nixon movie, which was GREAT!
Then L and I went back to her apt and walked down to the beach just intime for midnight and 2009. We skipped, danced and felt the beauty of all that we were.
It was amazing!
I drove home and tried to sleep, but the Shakti from my Sangha's new years retreat wouldnt let me. I got up at the crack of dawn and drove up to Santa Barbara to meditate and welcome the new year. I drove two hours through the foggy dew... the ghosts of the past year leaving and when I walked into the room the energy was unspeakable. There was a 6 foot Shiva as part of the Puja... it was gorgeous!
We meditated all day and I got to catch up with E and got hugs from lot of people.
It was good to talk to my teacher as well. His energy was so healing and reinvigorating.
We read the gita together, which was cool.
I felt like I was cleansed in so many ways... which is perhaps why I am sick now... letting go of all the crap...
I drove back, hit a Jewish Deli and went to bed, to sleep better than in a long time.
I have been struggling a little bit with purging, on the topic of living in truth. Yeah. Welcome.
I am supposed to call a diatician in NYC... a specific one who is really good. Im scared frankly. I am scared shitless to have someone in my food again. I am so afraid I am overeating, which is why the purging is surfacing. Doing things from the past. I dont know.
In reality, I am here, this is my truth. Im going to speak it.
On another note, my mother just offered me a cookie and I turned it down. Why? Because I really didnt want it. COOL!
I am just trusting that amongst the chaos that has been my life with food, something in there is speaking, whispering and will get louder. As L said on new years as I was talking to her, I know and I have always known. I am most likely not overeating and am likely doing the exact right thing for me with food.
Im trying to trust.
I had most of my stitches out yesterday. Several of them popped again, so once again, I am left with open wounds. Okay. I can live that way. Metaphorically speaking, I have learned to live with open wounds, draining as opposed to attempting to keep mending something which will not mend.
So! Welcome 2009 and everybody in it. Welcome...
My resolution for all of you? May we ALL know our own beauty!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
As 2009 approaches, I feel the need to reflect on the past year before I make resolutions for the year to follow...
2008
What a year.
In 2008 I....
Officially graduated with my BA (I had already finished classes).
Had 32 hours of reconstructive surgery, including some pretty large complications.
Met my "big sister"
Started sitting with my teacher
applied to grad school
moved to NYC
Started Grad school
Got elected the first year Rep for my school
Had a vocal concert for the first time in years
went sky diving
got my yoga teacher certification
started working as a therapist
WOW! Looking back, it has been an amazing year!
Im proud of myself. I had no idea I had done so much. It has been an intense year. I have grown immensily in so many ways.
With my first surgery and the months of complications that followed, I had quite a dark night of the soul experience, which always provides for change.
And so, moving forward, what resolutions do I want to make?
2009
I want to stop letting go of the things that others do that bother me because I dont want to cause drama. I still think it is wise to pick battles, but I do not want to let myself fall prey to the rules others create without my input.
I want to own and live in my vulnerability
I want to speak the truth, no matter how much it hurts, both my own and my experience in relation to others
I want to stay connected, no matter what, to the people I care about
I want to keep getting involved with OT and see where that leads
I want to explore the scary places and work through some of this old trauma so that I can live in my truth that is real in 2009
I want to apply to the summer research fellowship I am coveting with the kick ass research proposal I am working on.
I want to remind myself that stress is not necessary to success
I want to continue to work on and MAKE this AspirED event happen with Stephanie and others who wish to be involved.
I want to take myself seriously as a professional in my current truth and not without it or despite it or ignoring it.
Hmm....
Also, Ive noticed some fun body oriented resolutions that have nothing to do with weight!....
Body Resolutions
I probably wont post until 2009. I plan to ring in the new year with the two women I lived in the transition house with for almost a year. My true soul sisters. That is after meeting up with a teacher who had a profound impact on me back in high school.
Then the 1st, I am waking up earlier and driving up to santa barbara to spend the day sitting with my teacher and playing and living in the Shakti.
Blessings all
2008
What a year.
In 2008 I....
Officially graduated with my BA (I had already finished classes).
Had 32 hours of reconstructive surgery, including some pretty large complications.
Met my "big sister"
Started sitting with my teacher
applied to grad school
moved to NYC
Started Grad school
Got elected the first year Rep for my school
Had a vocal concert for the first time in years
went sky diving
got my yoga teacher certification
started working as a therapist
WOW! Looking back, it has been an amazing year!
Im proud of myself. I had no idea I had done so much. It has been an intense year. I have grown immensily in so many ways.
With my first surgery and the months of complications that followed, I had quite a dark night of the soul experience, which always provides for change.
And so, moving forward, what resolutions do I want to make?
2009
I want to stop letting go of the things that others do that bother me because I dont want to cause drama. I still think it is wise to pick battles, but I do not want to let myself fall prey to the rules others create without my input.
I want to own and live in my vulnerability
I want to speak the truth, no matter how much it hurts, both my own and my experience in relation to others
I want to stay connected, no matter what, to the people I care about
I want to keep getting involved with OT and see where that leads
I want to explore the scary places and work through some of this old trauma so that I can live in my truth that is real in 2009
I want to apply to the summer research fellowship I am coveting with the kick ass research proposal I am working on.
I want to remind myself that stress is not necessary to success
I want to continue to work on and MAKE this AspirED event happen with Stephanie and others who wish to be involved.
I want to take myself seriously as a professional in my current truth and not without it or despite it or ignoring it.
Hmm....
Also, Ive noticed some fun body oriented resolutions that have nothing to do with weight!....
Body Resolutions
I probably wont post until 2009. I plan to ring in the new year with the two women I lived in the transition house with for almost a year. My true soul sisters. That is after meeting up with a teacher who had a profound impact on me back in high school.
Then the 1st, I am waking up earlier and driving up to santa barbara to spend the day sitting with my teacher and playing and living in the Shakti.
Blessings all
My inner child is having a temper tantrum over something my adult self has decided.
And alas, I am experiencing early, what I told I would by the therapists in my life...
the ultimate occasion inwhich the therapist decides to go back into their own therapy.
Of course, I have MANY feelings about this.
However after that physical trauma regression the other night, I know I need to do something.
In talking with my old therapist, it is agreed that more talk therapy at this point would be unhelpful, but rather I need a way to surpass that.
so, either, EMDR, yoga therapy, Somatic Experiencing... something like that.
Anybody out there have any experiences with the above?
Meanwhile, I am still home and still alive, although there is an inner shadow of self leaning on the self destruct button. Im hanging on though. I had a short run earlier that helped.
All we have is this breath... I live on the wind that creates me...
And alas, I am experiencing early, what I told I would by the therapists in my life...
the ultimate occasion inwhich the therapist decides to go back into their own therapy.
Of course, I have MANY feelings about this.
However after that physical trauma regression the other night, I know I need to do something.
In talking with my old therapist, it is agreed that more talk therapy at this point would be unhelpful, but rather I need a way to surpass that.
so, either, EMDR, yoga therapy, Somatic Experiencing... something like that.
Anybody out there have any experiences with the above?
Meanwhile, I am still home and still alive, although there is an inner shadow of self leaning on the self destruct button. Im hanging on though. I had a short run earlier that helped.
All we have is this breath... I live on the wind that creates me...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I feel the need to write. I have for days, but what to say I am not sure.
Being home has been an amazing vacation. I have been feeling somewhat held, nested, in a safe place, which LA never was for me before.
I have spent time with my old community/treatment center. I have realized that they really truly are my family, just as much as my genetic family here. They are home.
It is in their arms that I feel cradled, supported, seen and understood.
The law of living that I am attempting to subscribe to more and more these days is "Stay connected, no matter what" which is a tennet of a group I am becoming actively involved with in NYC. I find it is the most painful, but most fulfilling and growth supporting way to live.
There was someone with which I needed to do this intead of running away, and I did and I feel much better now. I think this staying connected thing is big for me. I am quick to trust, but just as quick to assume I cannot trust if trust is broken, even if I dont understand what happened.
Not getting responses to my emails and calls came down to a lot of things, but the true answer felt both good and bad. Part of the response was on a personal level, that she almost quit because she was working 12 hour days then going home to answer emails, and hearing this truth of her life, made me feel much more connected... the hard part was that she said she only answers the ones she needs to to put out fires and that resonated with something I have fought hard. It echoed the "Rachael is always okay and always will be" thing that I have had to fight so hard to learn to feel again. I understand it and at the same time, it keeps me from getting what I need. Regardless, hearing that I was loved and cared about was all I needed.
Being home again and sitting in groups has led me to see my own growth and I am rather proud and blessed to have kept traveling down this road further into the journey I call my life.
I also got to hang out with my oldest friend who is currently in treatment where I was. I blogged about this awhile back, but it was really good to see her and to feel her new energy in this place. I am hoping that this experience of such a magical place brings us closer together and in a way I feel like it already has. I am hoping that it is one more thing that we share that is special in our hearts.
What else?
I had more surgery yesterday. My surgeon wanted to fix something and I told him he could only do it if he didnt put me out.... and so he didnt... which was insane!
Im not in much pain at all, but I still cannot believe he operated on me while I was awake.
It was secretely kind of cool.
I pretty much just went into a meditative state until he had me all numbed up, put my Ipod on and talked to my buds there while listening to music while he worked.
What else have i learned since being home?
I am sometimes naturally quiet and am fulfilled within myself this way
I am sometimes a loner of sorts
comiting to connection and speaking things begets relationship.
My story involved food and body, but much much more as well
Alas... I am falling asleep...
Goodnight sweet world
Being home has been an amazing vacation. I have been feeling somewhat held, nested, in a safe place, which LA never was for me before.
I have spent time with my old community/treatment center. I have realized that they really truly are my family, just as much as my genetic family here. They are home.
It is in their arms that I feel cradled, supported, seen and understood.
The law of living that I am attempting to subscribe to more and more these days is "Stay connected, no matter what" which is a tennet of a group I am becoming actively involved with in NYC. I find it is the most painful, but most fulfilling and growth supporting way to live.
There was someone with which I needed to do this intead of running away, and I did and I feel much better now. I think this staying connected thing is big for me. I am quick to trust, but just as quick to assume I cannot trust if trust is broken, even if I dont understand what happened.
Not getting responses to my emails and calls came down to a lot of things, but the true answer felt both good and bad. Part of the response was on a personal level, that she almost quit because she was working 12 hour days then going home to answer emails, and hearing this truth of her life, made me feel much more connected... the hard part was that she said she only answers the ones she needs to to put out fires and that resonated with something I have fought hard. It echoed the "Rachael is always okay and always will be" thing that I have had to fight so hard to learn to feel again. I understand it and at the same time, it keeps me from getting what I need. Regardless, hearing that I was loved and cared about was all I needed.
Being home again and sitting in groups has led me to see my own growth and I am rather proud and blessed to have kept traveling down this road further into the journey I call my life.
I also got to hang out with my oldest friend who is currently in treatment where I was. I blogged about this awhile back, but it was really good to see her and to feel her new energy in this place. I am hoping that this experience of such a magical place brings us closer together and in a way I feel like it already has. I am hoping that it is one more thing that we share that is special in our hearts.
What else?
I had more surgery yesterday. My surgeon wanted to fix something and I told him he could only do it if he didnt put me out.... and so he didnt... which was insane!
Im not in much pain at all, but I still cannot believe he operated on me while I was awake.
It was secretely kind of cool.
I pretty much just went into a meditative state until he had me all numbed up, put my Ipod on and talked to my buds there while listening to music while he worked.
What else have i learned since being home?
I am sometimes naturally quiet and am fulfilled within myself this way
I am sometimes a loner of sorts
comiting to connection and speaking things begets relationship.
My story involved food and body, but much much more as well
Alas... I am falling asleep...
Goodnight sweet world
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Im home in Los Angeles atlast. I slept 14 hours last night and would have slept longer if I hadnt had to be up. I feel like I am shedding so much. I feel like my body and perhaps soul is going through a much needed detox. I got to LA and started having stomach problems, cramps, and now a headache. I think I am releasing months of energetic weight.
I saw my diatician today. I have a secret. I only see her for her hugs.
We actually had a good talk about how the interplay of trauma may be coming up in unknown ways in reaction to working with other people's trauma. I have a way that I have always been able to seperate my stuff from other people's and I may be doing this in a way that is inauthentic to my unconscious. She feels that a meal plan would be retraumatizing but also knows that there is almost nothing she can do to help otherwise.
I havent thought about what I want to do yet.
I went to my old alumni group tonight. I had a lot of anxiety about it because of a specific staff member who hasnt spoken to me eventhough I have sent several emails. It was fine and I actually felt more myself and more in my truth in the moment than I ever have before. I was able to talk about things in a way that was true without doing that thing I do where my life seems perfect and I walk away and feel like I drew a pretty picture of myself and left my emotional truth half way in the dirt.
I also went to the old house to visit my oldest/bestie who is in treatment there now. It felt good, but difficult at the same time. I was fine but when she spoke about the pass I am taking her on on saturday, she mentioned planning snacks and meals and said that we should decide where we were eating so the diatician could tell her what to order.
Someting in my heart almost broke open and poured tears. I so desperately want the safety of somebody doing that for me. I want the safety, the cradling, the "holding" that that would provide, just sometimes. I also want the life I have, but I so crave the care and safety that I would associate with that.
And so I am here. I have doctors appointments tomorrow... a follow up with my surgeon and then my regular doctor. Im having sushi with my dad tomorrow night.
And so here I am... home... shedding, sleeping and hopefully renewing soon.
Im here, going back into the embryo... the coccoon... in hopes that I will reemerge again shortly with the vigor and verve I had at the begining of the semester.
I saw my diatician today. I have a secret. I only see her for her hugs.
We actually had a good talk about how the interplay of trauma may be coming up in unknown ways in reaction to working with other people's trauma. I have a way that I have always been able to seperate my stuff from other people's and I may be doing this in a way that is inauthentic to my unconscious. She feels that a meal plan would be retraumatizing but also knows that there is almost nothing she can do to help otherwise.
I havent thought about what I want to do yet.
I went to my old alumni group tonight. I had a lot of anxiety about it because of a specific staff member who hasnt spoken to me eventhough I have sent several emails. It was fine and I actually felt more myself and more in my truth in the moment than I ever have before. I was able to talk about things in a way that was true without doing that thing I do where my life seems perfect and I walk away and feel like I drew a pretty picture of myself and left my emotional truth half way in the dirt.
I also went to the old house to visit my oldest/bestie who is in treatment there now. It felt good, but difficult at the same time. I was fine but when she spoke about the pass I am taking her on on saturday, she mentioned planning snacks and meals and said that we should decide where we were eating so the diatician could tell her what to order.
Someting in my heart almost broke open and poured tears. I so desperately want the safety of somebody doing that for me. I want the safety, the cradling, the "holding" that that would provide, just sometimes. I also want the life I have, but I so crave the care and safety that I would associate with that.
And so I am here. I have doctors appointments tomorrow... a follow up with my surgeon and then my regular doctor. Im having sushi with my dad tomorrow night.
And so here I am... home... shedding, sleeping and hopefully renewing soon.
Im here, going back into the embryo... the coccoon... in hopes that I will reemerge again shortly with the vigor and verve I had at the begining of the semester.
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