I thought all night about whether I wanted to tell you this or not.
I wasnt going to. I felt bad about it. Guilty, terrible, weak.
I felt like I gave in. I DID give in.
Okay here goes...
Im going to admit it.
I broke down....
and I bought the Oprah magazine inwhich she talks about her weight.
Why did I do it? 1) I buy Oprah every month and 2) I was genuinely curious as what she had to say.

I am actually quite glad I bought it. With everything she had to say, you could have applied the same thing to anorexia, bulimia, overeating, overexercising, etc.

The media forgot to tell us what Oprah learned.
Oprah states herself that she has learned that it isnt about the weight. It is a sign of something else. She needs balance and acceptance in her life.... she needs to stay aware of her habits before she is consumed by them. She needs not torture herself. She needs hot baths, long walks and time to read.
Sound familiar? Maybe Oprah IS just like us.
Maybe Oprah lives in this same goddamned world and is learning, just like the rest of us.

I, for one, am going to give her just a little more slack.... and FUCK the media who made US all think that Oprah was trying to tell us something else.

You know what I dont want to hear about?
OPRAH's WEIGHT!

If you read ED/Body image blogs, you already know. GASP, Oprah put 40 lbs back on.
Gee, I wonder why.
Maybe because Liquid fasts dont work.
Maybe because fighting your bodys natural weight doesnt work.
That isnt to say that Oprah doesnt have food issues as she says she does. She says she has a food addiction, and I believe her. However, liquid fasts arent the answer to that.

I dont blame her for the medias obsession, but I am starting to get highly bothered by
A) how she talks about herself
B) What she projects as important

So, Oprah, youre 200 lbs now. Im 195. I wear an 8/10. Im in recovery from an eating disorder. I am told im not fat, have a normal body, and sometimes I believe it.
Am I fat? Am I a fat cow like you are Oprah?
What do you have to say to me, because your media reaches me too. When you are self depricating, you also drag in anybody around to hear it.

Happy Bodhi Day!
Traditionally celebrated on December 8th, Bodhi day is said to be the day Siddhartha Gautama attained enlightenment, and was henceforth known as "The Buddha."

You say: Great TwistedBarbie, but what does this have to do with body image or eating disorders? Why do I care?

A: Well actually, there are quite a few relations between the two, and yes, I mean besides the lucky tummy that the Buddha is known for. Upon his quest towards enlightment, the Buddha attempted to study with several teachers, many of which thought that to end identification with the body, ignoring it's needs was necessary. After becoming emaciated from starving himself and not having attained enlightenment, the Buddha settled on the idea of the middle path. It is not aid enlightenment to gorge yourself on food, as it does not help attain enlightenment to starve yourself of food. Rather, the middle way, or tending to the needs of the body is the only way to enlightenment. Still having not attained enlightenment, the Buddha vowed that he would sit under the Bodhi tree and meditate until he got to the root of suffering and attained enlightenment. Some sources say he was tempted by the Hindu god Mara (God of illusion) while meditating, but held fast to his practice (does this resonate with anybody?). After sitting under the Bodhi tree for a week, the Buddha attained enlightenment and then was fed rice and milk to regain his strength (yes, carbs AND fat).

So what do we, of all spiritual backgrounds, make of this day?
I know for me, I chose to meditate on the idea that only in attending to all your needs (spiritual, emotional, physical) can I find the truth of myself and rid myself of suffering. I know that i must sustain my strength and physical health and must consume a variety of foods to do this and I can be thankfull that at every meal, I essentially eat myself into creation. I also remember that while Mara or illusion or ED thoughts may taunt me, they are not the essential truth of myself and will merely lead me off the path that I wish to attain.

So with that! Eat some food, rub your belly and make of it what you will!
Happy Bodhi Day!

I dont have all that much to say, really.
Im on that edge of health where I could say I was sick and believe it, but could also say I wasnt and believe it.
I have that psychosomatic finals cold that a lot of people get, only it wiped me out today.
I got 12 hours of sleep woke up for an hour and then took an hour nap.
I then proceeded to go to starbucks for 5 hours and write a 20 page final.
A friend had a party tonight that I was supposed to go to, but I am starting to appreciate my inner home body.
I came home, lit candles and cuddles up on the couch to watch the first snow!!!

There is something about the natural transitions and how they resonate in my body that I like to be in touch with and tap into.

Something else I noticed today is that I was not remotely interested in food. Normally, in any stage of my ED, I obsessed about food. Even when im totally healthy, I do it often. It doesnt effect what I do with food... just... my thought process.
Maybe it was because of this cold... who knows...
I still ate like a normal person.... which included a vanilla latte because it was snowing and sounded like heaven.
Part of that freaks me out... like OMG shouldnt i eat less when im sick and hardly do anything?
But whatever! Does anybody have any thoughts on that by the way?

By the way, Im kind of obsessed in a girly crush kind of way with Ms Emily of Frozen Oranges.
Shes kind of amazing.

Sorry for the lack of recent posting. I am amidst graduate school final papers and applying for a summer research fellowship.

My current thought:
I wonder what it means to let go and mourn the idea that youll ever have the body you want.

The mirror has been attacking me a bit lately. I chalked it up to wearing too many layers, but it does bother me.
I dont want it to bother me. I dont want to care.

It occured to me last night, as my head hit the pillow, that perhaps the problem, the depth is that I am trying to play with guns as if Ive never been to war.
And they say, "guns dont kill people, people with guns kill people"
Yes this is true. But Ive held that metaphorical gun before and I know it's power.
And you take me to a gallery and ask me to pick one. I pick the Bebe, even if I love the feeling of that shiny double barrell on the left. I crave it.
Why cant you use it? Why cant you chose a different one?
Because I have seen its power in the hands of myself. I know the possibility that dwells within it when aimed at the heart, and who is to say that if It misses the first time, Ill be able to put it down?
And so the bebe, I can get used to. I can cuddle with it, play with it. I know that it would take effort to do damage..... and yet, at the end of the day, What is a Bebe when there is a whole gallery before you?

Im so tired of nobody understanding. I talk to my nutritionist and I want her to understand. I want my therapist to understand. But really, how can they understand when I dont even understand whatever this ball of stuff that is left, is? What is it? My nutritionist thinks it has to do with intimacy with self. I think I am pretty far ahead of the general population on that front. I care very much for myself. I talk to myself nicely. I love myself. I ask myself the deeper questions of what I really want and need.
So what is it?
It isnt simple. It isnt "just let go."
I want to let go. I dont want to get stuck in patterns that arent evey "eating disordered," but rather "disordered eating."
But it runs deeper than just playing with my food. It runs deeper than trying new things or old things again. It runs deeper and further back.
This river originates before anybody's knowing.
Part of what is so difficult is that, I feel like when I do make HUGE strides, nobody really understands how huge they are for me. Not healthy people, not even other people who have had eating disorders. I feel like it would take someone with a simalir history to really truly understand, but I have not yet met anyone with a history like mine, and I dont believe I am likely to as Im sure not many exist.
So how do I celebrate these things? I do it myself, but how do I let other people into how HUGE they are for me?
It runs so far back... so much deeper... I know that.
Deeper than what, I dont know, but I know it to be true nonetheless.

I need to be held.