Monday, September 20, 2010

I have been recently inspired to start writing here again....
Check Check... anybody out there or do I need to find readers again?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Congratulations to Professor Rothblum, an esteemed academic across several fields....
I would love to start both a personal and academic/research conversation about the topic of fat studies....
I do feel that while MUCH discrimination and isms still exist and are inherent in the very fabric of what we now know as American culture, Fat/weight/size discrimination is one of the last acceptable forms.... and this is the decade inwhich to address it.

Let no person be denied the justice and right of revelling in all that they are, untouched by the rhetoric and policy of managed care, by the discrimination of those who are afraid of the implications.
What would society do if we all loved ourselves?
Capitalism might fall....
The rich might stop getting rich and the poor might stop dropping into poverty ....
The earth might stop.

Love yourself.... create revolution

Friday, August 28, 2009

Through the dissaproving look she sported, she managed one last sentence as she strode away and back into her busy life. "That weight looks awful on you."
I awoke with a start, my body in a state of panic. THAT weight? WHAT weight?
I ran my hands over my naked torso. It was a hot and humid summer and I had taken to forgetting about the mere existance of pajamas. My body felt smooth. It wasnt any different than the previous day. I took a deep breathe, rolled onto my side, grabbed a teddy bear and rocked myself back to sleep.
These dreams had been happening every night. Well not these exact same ones. Most of them involved getting on a scale and seeing a number that was unnaceptable. These dreams used to have specific numbers in them, but the numbers had vanished and sheer feeling had replaced it.
It had been years since the worst of it. Why was I having these dreams now? And further, when would they stop?

Monday, August 3, 2009

I find myself back here, grappling with the loss of a comrade. 28 years old and it makes me want to kick up some dust. It makes me want others to join me further than they already have. It makes me want a unified movement, coming together to say NO.
Michale was 28 years old when her heart stopped.
Eating disorders kill.

Dirge without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.

The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, --
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Nag champa swirls through the air that hasnt ventured to touch my skin over the past weekend. I was at OneTaste all weekend for Nicole's course.
masculine... feminine...communication... blah blah blah, but SHE is wonderful.
Her energy is beautiful.
I see myself in her.
I am left questioning and yearning for a new birth.
My revolution.
I know what it feels like, but what is it's reality?
Im getting closer

Monday, January 26, 2009

I finally have something to blog about. COUNTERTRANSFERENCE and the BODY
Fucking clients. Just not really.
Every first year in the social work program has to do a needs/program evaluation and program implimentation. My advisor is quite strict, so it cant be some stupid flier you hand out like it can be in other classes.
For my project, I am doing a yoga and somatics processing group. I had the sign up in the hall way after announcing it at house meeting last wednesday. It was supposed to be a 10 person group and well over 30 signed up after somebody decided that the 10 lines werent obvious.
I like being the popular person, even if I dont have time for it these days.
Anyway, I was walking down the hall today, feeling pretty neutral about my body when one of the male clients asked me if I was teaching yoga.
I stopped and turned to him, giving him my full attention as I like to do when speaking with the clients where I work.
"Yes, I am" I said..
He eyes my body up and down. I feel very uncomfortable and objectified. It is rare that I am this privy to what another person is doing with regard to my body when it isnt a sexual encounter or flirting.
"You dont LOOK like you do yoga" he says....
My inner dialogue "He called you fat, youre too fat to be a yoga teacher, OMG OMG OMG"
"Hmm, what do you mean?" I ask in a very value neutral way
"I dont know, you can bend yourself into all sorts of things?"

I walk back into my office that I share with another social worker and tell her I need to vent for a minute. She knows a bit about my history and Im open with her about these things.
"Im in Countertransference hell" I admit and tell her whats been going on.
She replies "He could have meant you arent 5"2" and boy shaped..."
When I work with ED clients, Im prepared for this. I KNOW they have a distorted view of bodies and arm myself up for that.
This was HARD!
Im doing okay, but feeling very puffy tonight.