Nag champa swirls through the air that hasnt ventured to touch my skin over the past weekend. I was at OneTaste all weekend for Nicole's course.
masculine... feminine...communication... blah blah blah, but SHE is wonderful.
Her energy is beautiful.
I see myself in her.
I am left questioning and yearning for a new birth.
My revolution.
I know what it feels like, but what is it's reality?
Closer
Im getting closer

I finally have something to blog about. COUNTERTRANSFERENCE and the BODY
Fucking clients. Just kidding....no not really.
Every first year in the social work program has to do a needs/program evaluation and program implimentation. My advisor is quite strict, so it cant be some stupid flier you hand out like it can be in other classes.
For my project, I am doing a yoga and somatics processing group. I had the sign up in the hall way after announcing it at house meeting last wednesday. It was supposed to be a 10 person group and well over 30 signed up after somebody decided that the 10 lines werent obvious.
I like being the popular person, even if I dont have time for it these days.
Anyway, I was walking down the hall today, feeling pretty neutral about my body when one of the male clients asked me if I was teaching yoga.
I stopped and turned to him, giving him my full attention as I like to do when speaking with the clients where I work.
"Yes, I am" I said..
He eyes my body up and down. I feel very uncomfortable and objectified. It is rare that I am this privy to what another person is doing with regard to my body when it isnt a sexual encounter or flirting.
"You dont LOOK like you do yoga" he says....
COUNTERTRANSFERENCE BLAST
My inner dialogue "He called you fat, youre too fat to be a yoga teacher, OMG OMG OMG"
"Hmm, what do you mean?" I ask in a very value neutral way
"I dont know, you can bend yourself into all sorts of things?"

I walk back into my office that I share with another social worker and tell her I need to vent for a minute. She knows a bit about my history and Im open with her about these things.
"Im in Countertransference hell" I admit and tell her whats been going on.
She replies "He could have meant you arent 5"2" and boy shaped..."
UGH!!!!!
When I work with ED clients, Im prepared for this. I KNOW they have a distorted view of bodies and arm myself up for that.
This was HARD!
Im doing okay, but feeling very puffy tonight.

Honestly?
Ive just been too busy having sex to blog.

I have this intense resistance to blogging lately. I dont know why.
Maybe ill find out why by doing it...
So what is up? Im doing A LOT, but I want to be doing it all.
I "broke up
with my nutritionist. I wrote her a long sentimental and yet very true letter about getting needs met, etc. I sent it. I am half waiting to hear something from her, and half not. I dont know. My part is over.
Show up
Pay attention
tell the truth
let go

I am letting myself be helped. That feels new. Im opening, growing.
SOmeone asked how I was tonight and I was honest in that my energy has been very up and down and that I can be turned on and ready to take life on, one ginormous freaking thing at a time and the next, I am up all night, re-experiencing trauma that I didnt feel the first time.
I know I am moving through something.
The person I told this to... they said I could come hang out whenever, even if they were busy... if I didnt want to sit alone with that.
IT feels so good to be seen, to be helped, to be loved in that place.
I also have a BIG old crush. On a girl, for once. When was the last time that happened?
I feel so connected to her and RAWR... oy!

Hmm...
Oh, I said NO today. I stood up for myself.
The director of my placement site said It is now manditory that all interns be there until a certain time wednesday night. I am there until 7 (which already means I dont get home until 8:30). She wants us there until 8:30, which means I dont get home until 10, which means I dont get to sleep until 12 on a really good day. I would only get to sleep until 8 because I would have to be up and on the subway to be back at 10.
Its probably enough sleep, but I wouldnt get any work done, wouldnt have any time for Self.
It wouldnt feel really bad in my life.
She said I had to
I said no
She said I had to
I said NO, and I will call my field advisor to let him know that If this is a requirement then they will need to find me a new placement as I would never have accepted this 6 months ago if this had been a requirement.
I am not willing to do that to myself.
You know what?
that NO felt FUCKING GOOD!

Okay.... bed time....
For another time when I am more awake.... I need to journal about why it is so hard for me to ask for what I want when it involves other people.

OH, and I FREAKING have had it with Oprah.
After reading her magazine last month, I felt she redeemed herself.
On the cover of this months magazine?
WHICH DIET WORKS BEST.
Um... and yet ANOTHER magazine I cant read now.
Boo.

I am sitting on the couch, Desperate Housewives slowely coming to a close in the background and I am attempting to peice together what I want to say.
What DO I want to say?
I dont recall all the things I felt so pushed to write about earlier this week.
Ive been having significant problems with my diatician. I KNOW it is time to switch, but I cannot let her go. There are so many amazing things about her as a person and it is with a LOT of greif and mourning that I will have to do this. I need to write her a letter as opposed to doing it on the phone. I am hoping there is a way we can still keep in touch.
I also need to call the new diatician, which I have been trying to get myself to do for weeks.
Somebody hold me to this?
Also, Im hanging out with a new group of people. They are amazing and I feel like I have been searching for them for a long time. Theyre all friends and they (mostly) live and work at the organization thayre involved with, which I am now involved with too. Its based on connected living and other precepts that I will not get in to here, but you can ask more if you like... by email or facebook...

Also, did I mention I finally had sex? It was terrible sex, actually, but being present in my naked body with someone else naked and just laying around... no covers, for the first time in my life without a body that had something more associated with it (beyond my scars) was new and beautiful.
Cheers to sex in 09!

I feel like im going crazy tonight.
Its 2 am. I have to be up at 8.
I want to binge and purge so badly and on top of that, I cant sleep.
I have so much anxiety and I dont know what about.
My roomate got back today. Shes been running every day of break and plans to join a gym and work up to a 5k.
FUCK.... thats so triggering for me.
I keep hearing *not good enough, not good enough*
I dont even know what to say, I feel like so much has gone on and all of it makes me feel terrible and inadiquate and im scared to start the semester this way.
Frankly, Im scared to go to work and start the semester.
What the fuck is going on with me?
Why have I been so depressed lately? Sleep? Meds? Having been sick? Combination?
All I know is that im fucking scared.
What else...
Im back in NY... dont know if I said that....
I FAILED at work last week... seriously... I didnt go monday because I was sick, wednesday my supervisor sent me home because appearently I looked like I felt, and thursday I called in because I felt shitty still.....
Im meeting internal resistance and I dont know if I should feel this way or not...
Im trying to breathe but im so scared!

I also just took on a huge ED policy related project, which is SUPER exciting....
and I got my policy paper back from last semester... my final... and the ONE teacher I really respected and I got an A!!! with great comments...
That felt good.

BAH!!! I havent had any time to update...
It may be an early night, so hopefully ill get around to it!
But for the meantime, youll never believe what im getting myself into today...