Monday, January 26, 2009

I finally have something to blog about. COUNTERTRANSFERENCE and the BODY
Fucking clients. Just not really.
Every first year in the social work program has to do a needs/program evaluation and program implimentation. My advisor is quite strict, so it cant be some stupid flier you hand out like it can be in other classes.
For my project, I am doing a yoga and somatics processing group. I had the sign up in the hall way after announcing it at house meeting last wednesday. It was supposed to be a 10 person group and well over 30 signed up after somebody decided that the 10 lines werent obvious.
I like being the popular person, even if I dont have time for it these days.
Anyway, I was walking down the hall today, feeling pretty neutral about my body when one of the male clients asked me if I was teaching yoga.
I stopped and turned to him, giving him my full attention as I like to do when speaking with the clients where I work.
"Yes, I am" I said..
He eyes my body up and down. I feel very uncomfortable and objectified. It is rare that I am this privy to what another person is doing with regard to my body when it isnt a sexual encounter or flirting.
"You dont LOOK like you do yoga" he says....
My inner dialogue "He called you fat, youre too fat to be a yoga teacher, OMG OMG OMG"
"Hmm, what do you mean?" I ask in a very value neutral way
"I dont know, you can bend yourself into all sorts of things?"

I walk back into my office that I share with another social worker and tell her I need to vent for a minute. She knows a bit about my history and Im open with her about these things.
"Im in Countertransference hell" I admit and tell her whats been going on.
She replies "He could have meant you arent 5"2" and boy shaped..."
When I work with ED clients, Im prepared for this. I KNOW they have a distorted view of bodies and arm myself up for that.
This was HARD!
Im doing okay, but feeling very puffy tonight.


Kaz said...

You my dear, are not too puffy. I definitely understand how certain things said can set a spark in your brain but don't let those mid tricks take over. Yes, you are a yoga instructor, yes, you are a sexy woman, yes, you are the amazing, beautiful, wise Rachael.


Anonymous said...

Ewww I hate it when men/people look at me/others like that. It grosses me out!

And YAY! for you being a (fat) yoga teacher! I wonder if you could help me with a couple of my yoga issues. First - in some of the poses, I tend to suffocate myself with my boobs - is there a way around this? And second - I can't do some of the poses yet (such as lotus) and I'm not sure if it's because I'm too short/fat or if I'm just not flexible enough yet! Can you lotus??

tinyirishdancer said...

Hey there, Rachael! I finally got me a blog! Can't believe I waited this long, actually..

Ugh. What a dumbass. People can let the dumbest things slip out of their mouths. Doubt he could do yoga - that stuff is HARDCORE. It looks easy, but, my God, it is NOT. I agree wholeheartedly with Kaz - she took the words right out of my mouth =]

Take care of yourself, hun, okay?

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