Sunday, October 26, 2008

It has been forever...

My excuses include but are not limited to

GRAD SCHOOL MIDTERMS (which are not yet over, damn them all)

My complete GEEK OUT about the swiftly approaching election GO VOTE

and uh, i might be struggling... a bit... a lot..

Saturday, October 11, 2008

There is a phenomenon I would like to address. A phenomenon that effects many of us. IT happens without our permission, but our permission isn’t necessary. It envokes many emotions that we may feel are unwarranted.
Its called “My best friend, turned ex best friend, turned friend, who is really more of a sister, who also has an ED is going to treatment where I went and I don’t like it” syndrome.”

Am I talking about myself here? Perhaps ☺
So why the strong reaction?
They are MY people.
It is MY safe place.
It was the one place in my life where I was able to create myself anew and I do not really want those worlds crossing. I am still actively involved there. I attend alumni retreats and do some organizing. When I am home I go to alum groups, etc.
It feels like I cannot ever just WIN. Now what does winning mean? It doesn’t mean having the worst eating disorder. It doesn’t mean having it longer… being in more treatments. I think it means getting away.
And I know the reality of it is that I have.
So what do we do when we feel invaded? What happens when these world cross?
With the urges that have surfaced since this finding, I know the answer isn’t relapse. It isn’t to be there with her. That is the last thing I would want.

Has anybody else dealt with this?
How do we keep out sacred space our own? Perhaps the answer is that we create it and it lives on within ourselves, within our recovery story, within our psyche.

It will always be mine.

Friday, October 10, 2008

What is going on? Emily says write… free floating thoughts.. this isn’t a road I want to go down… shes right, it isn’t and yet it’s shelter seems so warm and embryonic. Perhaps I want to be cradled, babies, cared about, in a way I cant do for myself and yet, I feel as though the opposite has happened.
I have left a part of myself to find what I want and instead I find that I am not who I want to be.
My intellectual prowness taxes its creator, my craving for social connection exausts me, my yearning to help is never fulfilled and here I am, asking for more, asking for something, asking for essence.
I birthed a new live and watched, because with creation always comes destruction.
What was once mine is becoming someone elses, but if felt gone before I could feel like it wasn’t there and yet, the carpet pulled from a room I was no longer standing in has a profound effect on my imaginary home.
With creation comes a standard.
With connection there I loss
With transition there is loss
And with creation destruction and vice versa
And who am I amidst all of this?
Who am I?
Do I know?
What is the essence of me and why do I turn to what I have spent years stretching beyond?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Often in times of growth or fear I have food related dreams/nightmares...
My father and his wife are in town for a few days and I had a nightmare last night that I wasnt allowed to eat sugar while I was with him and I wasnt allowed to leave him.
What do I make of that?
Sure... my food was restricted as a child...
I wasnt supposed to eat sugar or anything else really... but... why now?
Is it because it is the first time I have lived far since recovering?

What do you think?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Social work school does not provide time for blogging.
As often as I think "gee, this belongs in a blog," I never get around to sitting down with my computer and generating thoughts beyond those that I must include in a required paper.
Oh well. You love me anyway.
I started my Contemporary issues in eating disorder assesment and treatment mini-course this past friday.
I am never sure what I expect from things like this, but what generally happens is that I end up teaching a large section of the class.
The introductions proved to be interesting as only one other woman and I chose to identify ourselves as past sufferers, recovered, whatever.
I feel as though It is important to back my opinions up with my history, and I am also a believer in self disclosure in regards to eating disorder treatment.
Every step I take towards Eating Disorder professional feels like it fits when I try it on.
I question once and again if I am ready. I avoid the readings after meals....
That isnt to say I HAVE to avoid them then, but it just doesnt feel beneficial for me to read them after meals or right before bed when I would be more apt to cycle thoughts in relation to myself in a way that wouldnt be helpful.
I am also reading the really specific readings about how to treat eating disorders or different treatment theories and not the readings about temperment, etc.
The truth is, if youve had an eating disorder and youre an intelligent person, you have probably dont your fair share of reading about them already. I have a whole shelf on my bookshelf devoted to books on the subject and I am over reading deffinitions, etc.
I have been reading many of the studies that I often cite but havent read all of such as the Fiji study and the Minnesota starvation study.

What I am looking towards this class for is the boost of confidence in transitioning from a "mentor" to a therapist and also the professional connections that can be made.

So me? How am I doing?
Im alright. I am currently scared that I am falling back in to overeating, but I do not know if that is a real fear or not.
I cant stay off the fucking scale at the gym, but the conversations I have had with other women there surrounding the topic are amazing.
They usually consist of "that scale is wrong... thats why you shouldnt weigh yourself"
and then me laughing at myself and making up some excuse in response.
But the truth is, theyre probably right.
Why do I weigh myself?
Because Im scared of gaining weight...
because If I know im stable then I dont have to think about food as much.
Because in some way it lets me bypass myself and my care of myself and live in a childish way in regards to food.
I believe my process since being well into recovery has modeled the growing up process...
At first I needed somebody to feed me
then I needed somebody to tell me it was okay to eat
then I did it myself but was unsure
then I was proud
then I played with what I could do
Then I felt safe with it, but needed support or reassurance
then I did it all by myself
then I would regress because I needed love
then I wanted to do it for me
then I did do it for me and liked the aknowledgement
then I made it mine... my relationship to food
then I wanted to be superwoman
then I got confused
then I decided to do it all... do it myself
Then it started to feel out of control.., but because im doing it myself... i dont know if it is...

Now, that isnt to say I am being stubborn, but I am learning to navigate new territory and a VERY different life.
The one thing I realized was that the only thing my treatment team never taught me was how to live without one!

and I am learning that now.

THe "what if's"
scare the hell out of me.
What if I gain weight and cant stop overeating?
What if I have to switch nutritionists and find one here? (will I relive too much trauma)
What if I am TOTALLY fine and only scared because it is a focus?

What if I remember WHO I am and that no matter what, I am a strong woman who knows how to reach out and let people in and that Ill be okay and go through growth no matter what happens.