Friday, August 1, 2008

my psychiatrist is not the kind of person you meet every day, or every year even. He is the kind that SOME people meet once in a lifetime. He is truly one of those people who is so smart that he is completely strange and yet I LOVE talking to him about the eccentricities and the very nature of quirkiness, etc.

I saw him for my last appointment today as I am moving to NYC this coming wednesday and He was so kind.
Given my background and all I have been through, having it aknowledged from time to time as the intense struggle and seemingly insurmountable odds that I overcame feels good, but the man pretty much bowed down and kissed my feet.

And you know, it is hard to aknowledge my own "greatness(??)" because its just me...
I wouldnt have done it any other way and frankly wouldnt understand how to.

Anyway, he told me I was perhaps the most inspirational person he had met in this living realm (Oh dr E) and made some lovely comment about "flowers for the living." Which I interpreted to mean that you should tell people things directly instead of when it is too late... I quite like the term.

After that I started the worshop that I am taking thursday through sunday at Exhale in Venice. There is a yoga teacher there who is also trained in somatic experiencing that I have grown rather close to over the past few months... mostly through emails, but during one of my last surgeries I was dying of "lack of acheivement" on the couch and she gave me something to do....
To do a grassroots type campaign to get out the word on a training she was doing...
and in exchange I got a scholarship!
The training is "Teaching Yoga to At Risk and Oppressed Populations," which is right up my alley! Given everyone and their mother has a 200 hour training under their belt these days, this gives me a little something extra to take to NY where getting a yoga job seems to be just as difficult as landing a part on broadway.
The workshop is composed of amazing people with backgrounds of service and care. Their is one other woman who works at an ED step down facility teaching yoga. She asked to speak with me given the work I do/have done (and my own personal history, but she doesnt know too much about that yet) because she wanted some insight. I love feeling like others want my expertise! IT is also nice to feel more like colleagues than anything at this point.

What I didnt expect was allllll of the work being about trauma. Based on the theory that an amount of violence is equal to the amount of pain a person is experiencing, we delved directly into trauma work.
Well shit.
Most of what we were talking about wasnt sudden trauma but longer term more subtle or emotional trauma.
Needless to say, after 5 hours I felt quite triggered and looked a whole HELL of a lot bigger in every mirror I passed. I DID however eat dinner despite the idea that skipping it would be cool...
And 2 points for the recovered team!
The exercise this week is not feeling "good enough" for me. I didnt do much the first half of the week because of packing and movers, etc and then it didnt occur to me that we wouldnt really do much practice during this workshop, so Im more or less out all week. *deep inhale*
It shouldnt make a difference. I repeat, it shouldnt make a difference.
Im letting go, IM moving on, and with that Ill be fine.

TOnight I sat with my meditation group for the last time. The energy was amazing and my teacher and I were very connected and it felt very special.
I dont really have anything else to say about that as it is mostly an internal experience.

I have to be at the yoga studio at 7 am tomorrow, so seeing as it is almost 1 am, Im going to attempt to not find anything else more important than sleep!

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