Sunday, August 10, 2008

Sorry for the lack of updates as of late!
I havent had any steady internet access.
I arrived in NYC after an amazing send off. I had a lovely sit down dinner party with many of my lovliest friends. THe people who meant the most to me were there ant it felt so special. IT was one of those occasions where you look around and truly understand in your soul that you are deeply loved. I felt loved. I felt seen and I even had 2 cosmos and flourless chocolate cake with no regard of the caloric content.
I left the next morning and arrived in NYC that evening.
I stayed with a friend the first night and while up quite late, we decided to illustrate diagnostic codes from the DSM. Bring it on grad school!
We drew "Polly Substance Abuse" poly pockets substance abusing friend.
IT was quite humorous if I do say so myself. I would post a picture, but I am not on my own computer.
Oh yes... I am not on my computer. Let me explain.
Ben Hur, the moving company that I, in full faith, HATE! Lied to my family and I twice and the outcome is that I have NO IDEA IN HELL when ANY of my stuff will get here.... thus, I had to find places to sleep.
Now, my place/my space is one of my biggest things. Not having my own safe space/bed/whatever to come home to leaves me feeling all things bad. I slept at one girl's house the first night and another's the second night.
THe second night was interesting from an ED/culture perspective. This girl is also starting my program this fall and will quickly become one of my best friends (yes, I am a fortune teller, so bite it)...she is on a diet... I am not sure whether it is for her or her mother, but her mother counts every calorie that goes in the poor girls mouth and leaves her feeling bad and guilty for eating.... a salad....anything.
It hurt in my heart to know what that feels like, and so in turn, while her mother was telling her not to have a donut for breakfast (but instead something else with more calories..but seemed to have less)... I had one. I admit i viewed the caloric content first as while I am close to recovered, I do fear trauma triggers, which for me come specifically from unnecssary weight gain.
Other than this, her mother was a complete doll and did everything she could to take care of me.
I arrived home the next day only to find out that UPS ALSO messed up a delivery of my air conditioner.
I truly felt homeless for the first time. I ended up staying in a hotel.
I went to bed and bath to secure some necessities and ended up waiting A WHOLE FREAKING HOUR for a cab in the POURING RAIN....
I Finally got a cab... got to my apt... got all the bags out and they ALLLLLL
broke from the rain...
SO I had to take several trips up and down my 5 floor walk up.
After a massive, fall to your knees and beg God kind of breakdown, THe macys sale seemed to help me feel better. I didnt actually buy anything, but sometimes walking around stores or malls calms me. IT is so interesting to look at the different things that help people calm down and get centered. I went out with a boy, henceforth, The Educated one. It was really nice, but it was an odd night as I wasnt sure if he was trying to tell ME he didnt want a realtionship or convince HIMSELF he didnt want one. Either way, I enjoy his company and see him as a good friend.
I am now at the shore with a good friend from treatment and her husband. THey invited me out for 3 days and have been nothing less than amazing. IT is beautiful even WITH the HUGE storm that is going on and I am loving this necessary escape from the past week. I EVEN PUT ON A BIKINI AND WENT SWIMMING TODAY.
THat was the first time in my adult life. I havent owned a bikini since age 7.
I havent swam since ... well it has been a long time.
And it felt good.
I feel good. There is a core inside me that is sad right now. I am sad because I feel like I have no home. I feel the instability that exists in my external world. I know that essentially I am okay, but I Feel so alone in this and the quite inside parts of me are sad.
I know this will change though.
Peace, Love and Revolution,

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