As 2009 approaches, I feel the need to reflect on the past year before I make resolutions for the year to follow...
2008
What a year.
In 2008 I....
Officially graduated with my BA (I had already finished classes).
Had 32 hours of reconstructive surgery, including some pretty large complications.
Met my "big sister"
Started sitting with my teacher
applied to grad school
moved to NYC
Started Grad school
Got elected the first year Rep for my school
Had a vocal concert for the first time in years
went sky diving
got my yoga teacher certification
started working as a therapist
WOW! Looking back, it has been an amazing year!
Im proud of myself. I had no idea I had done so much. It has been an intense year. I have grown immensily in so many ways.
With my first surgery and the months of complications that followed, I had quite a dark night of the soul experience, which always provides for change.
And so, moving forward, what resolutions do I want to make?
2009
I want to stop letting go of the things that others do that bother me because I dont want to cause drama. I still think it is wise to pick battles, but I do not want to let myself fall prey to the rules others create without my input.
I want to own and live in my vulnerability
I want to speak the truth, no matter how much it hurts, both my own and my experience in relation to others
I want to stay connected, no matter what, to the people I care about
I want to keep getting involved with OT and see where that leads
I want to explore the scary places and work through some of this old trauma so that I can live in my truth that is real in 2009
I want to apply to the summer research fellowship I am coveting with the kick ass research proposal I am working on.
I want to remind myself that stress is not necessary to success
I want to continue to work on and MAKE this AspirED event happen with Stephanie and others who wish to be involved.
I want to take myself seriously as a professional in my current truth and not without it or despite it or ignoring it.
Hmm....
Also, Ive noticed some fun body oriented resolutions that have nothing to do with weight!....
Body Resolutions
I probably wont post until 2009. I plan to ring in the new year with the two women I lived in the transition house with for almost a year. My true soul sisters. That is after meeting up with a teacher who had a profound impact on me back in high school.
Then the 1st, I am waking up earlier and driving up to santa barbara to spend the day sitting with my teacher and playing and living in the Shakti.
Blessings all
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
My inner child is having a temper tantrum over something my adult self has decided.
And alas, I am experiencing early, what I told I would by the therapists in my life...
the ultimate occasion inwhich the therapist decides to go back into their own therapy.
Of course, I have MANY feelings about this.
However after that physical trauma regression the other night, I know I need to do something.
In talking with my old therapist, it is agreed that more talk therapy at this point would be unhelpful, but rather I need a way to surpass that.
so, either, EMDR, yoga therapy, Somatic Experiencing... something like that.
Anybody out there have any experiences with the above?
Meanwhile, I am still home and still alive, although there is an inner shadow of self leaning on the self destruct button. Im hanging on though. I had a short run earlier that helped.
All we have is this breath... I live on the wind that creates me...
And alas, I am experiencing early, what I told I would by the therapists in my life...
the ultimate occasion inwhich the therapist decides to go back into their own therapy.
Of course, I have MANY feelings about this.
However after that physical trauma regression the other night, I know I need to do something.
In talking with my old therapist, it is agreed that more talk therapy at this point would be unhelpful, but rather I need a way to surpass that.
so, either, EMDR, yoga therapy, Somatic Experiencing... something like that.
Anybody out there have any experiences with the above?
Meanwhile, I am still home and still alive, although there is an inner shadow of self leaning on the self destruct button. Im hanging on though. I had a short run earlier that helped.
All we have is this breath... I live on the wind that creates me...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I feel the need to write. I have for days, but what to say I am not sure.
Being home has been an amazing vacation. I have been feeling somewhat held, nested, in a safe place, which LA never was for me before.
I have spent time with my old community/treatment center. I have realized that they really truly are my family, just as much as my genetic family here. They are home.
It is in their arms that I feel cradled, supported, seen and understood.
The law of living that I am attempting to subscribe to more and more these days is "Stay connected, no matter what" which is a tennet of a group I am becoming actively involved with in NYC. I find it is the most painful, but most fulfilling and growth supporting way to live.
There was someone with which I needed to do this intead of running away, and I did and I feel much better now. I think this staying connected thing is big for me. I am quick to trust, but just as quick to assume I cannot trust if trust is broken, even if I dont understand what happened.
Not getting responses to my emails and calls came down to a lot of things, but the true answer felt both good and bad. Part of the response was on a personal level, that she almost quit because she was working 12 hour days then going home to answer emails, and hearing this truth of her life, made me feel much more connected... the hard part was that she said she only answers the ones she needs to to put out fires and that resonated with something I have fought hard. It echoed the "Rachael is always okay and always will be" thing that I have had to fight so hard to learn to feel again. I understand it and at the same time, it keeps me from getting what I need. Regardless, hearing that I was loved and cared about was all I needed.
Being home again and sitting in groups has led me to see my own growth and I am rather proud and blessed to have kept traveling down this road further into the journey I call my life.
I also got to hang out with my oldest friend who is currently in treatment where I was. I blogged about this awhile back, but it was really good to see her and to feel her new energy in this place. I am hoping that this experience of such a magical place brings us closer together and in a way I feel like it already has. I am hoping that it is one more thing that we share that is special in our hearts.
What else?
I had more surgery yesterday. My surgeon wanted to fix something and I told him he could only do it if he didnt put me out.... and so he didnt... which was insane!
Im not in much pain at all, but I still cannot believe he operated on me while I was awake.
It was secretely kind of cool.
I pretty much just went into a meditative state until he had me all numbed up, put my Ipod on and talked to my buds there while listening to music while he worked.
What else have i learned since being home?
I am sometimes naturally quiet and am fulfilled within myself this way
I am sometimes a loner of sorts
comiting to connection and speaking things begets relationship.
My story involved food and body, but much much more as well
Alas... I am falling asleep...
Goodnight sweet world
Being home has been an amazing vacation. I have been feeling somewhat held, nested, in a safe place, which LA never was for me before.
I have spent time with my old community/treatment center. I have realized that they really truly are my family, just as much as my genetic family here. They are home.
It is in their arms that I feel cradled, supported, seen and understood.
The law of living that I am attempting to subscribe to more and more these days is "Stay connected, no matter what" which is a tennet of a group I am becoming actively involved with in NYC. I find it is the most painful, but most fulfilling and growth supporting way to live.
There was someone with which I needed to do this intead of running away, and I did and I feel much better now. I think this staying connected thing is big for me. I am quick to trust, but just as quick to assume I cannot trust if trust is broken, even if I dont understand what happened.
Not getting responses to my emails and calls came down to a lot of things, but the true answer felt both good and bad. Part of the response was on a personal level, that she almost quit because she was working 12 hour days then going home to answer emails, and hearing this truth of her life, made me feel much more connected... the hard part was that she said she only answers the ones she needs to to put out fires and that resonated with something I have fought hard. It echoed the "Rachael is always okay and always will be" thing that I have had to fight so hard to learn to feel again. I understand it and at the same time, it keeps me from getting what I need. Regardless, hearing that I was loved and cared about was all I needed.
Being home again and sitting in groups has led me to see my own growth and I am rather proud and blessed to have kept traveling down this road further into the journey I call my life.
I also got to hang out with my oldest friend who is currently in treatment where I was. I blogged about this awhile back, but it was really good to see her and to feel her new energy in this place. I am hoping that this experience of such a magical place brings us closer together and in a way I feel like it already has. I am hoping that it is one more thing that we share that is special in our hearts.
What else?
I had more surgery yesterday. My surgeon wanted to fix something and I told him he could only do it if he didnt put me out.... and so he didnt... which was insane!
Im not in much pain at all, but I still cannot believe he operated on me while I was awake.
It was secretely kind of cool.
I pretty much just went into a meditative state until he had me all numbed up, put my Ipod on and talked to my buds there while listening to music while he worked.
What else have i learned since being home?
I am sometimes naturally quiet and am fulfilled within myself this way
I am sometimes a loner of sorts
comiting to connection and speaking things begets relationship.
My story involved food and body, but much much more as well
Alas... I am falling asleep...
Goodnight sweet world
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Im home in Los Angeles atlast. I slept 14 hours last night and would have slept longer if I hadnt had to be up. I feel like I am shedding so much. I feel like my body and perhaps soul is going through a much needed detox. I got to LA and started having stomach problems, cramps, and now a headache. I think I am releasing months of energetic weight.
I saw my diatician today. I have a secret. I only see her for her hugs.
We actually had a good talk about how the interplay of trauma may be coming up in unknown ways in reaction to working with other people's trauma. I have a way that I have always been able to seperate my stuff from other people's and I may be doing this in a way that is inauthentic to my unconscious. She feels that a meal plan would be retraumatizing but also knows that there is almost nothing she can do to help otherwise.
I havent thought about what I want to do yet.
I went to my old alumni group tonight. I had a lot of anxiety about it because of a specific staff member who hasnt spoken to me eventhough I have sent several emails. It was fine and I actually felt more myself and more in my truth in the moment than I ever have before. I was able to talk about things in a way that was true without doing that thing I do where my life seems perfect and I walk away and feel like I drew a pretty picture of myself and left my emotional truth half way in the dirt.
I also went to the old house to visit my oldest/bestie who is in treatment there now. It felt good, but difficult at the same time. I was fine but when she spoke about the pass I am taking her on on saturday, she mentioned planning snacks and meals and said that we should decide where we were eating so the diatician could tell her what to order.
Someting in my heart almost broke open and poured tears. I so desperately want the safety of somebody doing that for me. I want the safety, the cradling, the "holding" that that would provide, just sometimes. I also want the life I have, but I so crave the care and safety that I would associate with that.
And so I am here. I have doctors appointments tomorrow... a follow up with my surgeon and then my regular doctor. Im having sushi with my dad tomorrow night.
And so here I am... home... shedding, sleeping and hopefully renewing soon.
Im here, going back into the embryo... the coccoon... in hopes that I will reemerge again shortly with the vigor and verve I had at the begining of the semester.
I saw my diatician today. I have a secret. I only see her for her hugs.
We actually had a good talk about how the interplay of trauma may be coming up in unknown ways in reaction to working with other people's trauma. I have a way that I have always been able to seperate my stuff from other people's and I may be doing this in a way that is inauthentic to my unconscious. She feels that a meal plan would be retraumatizing but also knows that there is almost nothing she can do to help otherwise.
I havent thought about what I want to do yet.
I went to my old alumni group tonight. I had a lot of anxiety about it because of a specific staff member who hasnt spoken to me eventhough I have sent several emails. It was fine and I actually felt more myself and more in my truth in the moment than I ever have before. I was able to talk about things in a way that was true without doing that thing I do where my life seems perfect and I walk away and feel like I drew a pretty picture of myself and left my emotional truth half way in the dirt.
I also went to the old house to visit my oldest/bestie who is in treatment there now. It felt good, but difficult at the same time. I was fine but when she spoke about the pass I am taking her on on saturday, she mentioned planning snacks and meals and said that we should decide where we were eating so the diatician could tell her what to order.
Someting in my heart almost broke open and poured tears. I so desperately want the safety of somebody doing that for me. I want the safety, the cradling, the "holding" that that would provide, just sometimes. I also want the life I have, but I so crave the care and safety that I would associate with that.
And so I am here. I have doctors appointments tomorrow... a follow up with my surgeon and then my regular doctor. Im having sushi with my dad tomorrow night.
And so here I am... home... shedding, sleeping and hopefully renewing soon.
Im here, going back into the embryo... the coccoon... in hopes that I will reemerge again shortly with the vigor and verve I had at the begining of the semester.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Do you ever feel like you have a whole hell of a lot of nothing to say?
I suppose nothing I say is nothing. Oh dear.
Anyway, Im done with this semester, as I said.
Ive actually been having a weird time without school. Ive found myself obsessing about food a lot more than usual, which is scary, and is also amidst a lot of "drama" with my nutritionist, if you will.
I talked to my first roomate/housemate/friend from treatment last night. I freakin love the girl. She, too, is doing eating disorder research, looking at a way to redesign the eating disorder screening systems to apply to men with eating disorders. Shes applying to PhD programs. Im so proud of us.
She and I have a lot of the same feelings regarding a lot of the same things currently... dietician... old treatment center where we are still involved, etc and it was REALLY good to talk to someone about it who has the same relationship to it as I do.
I suppose nothing I say is nothing. Oh dear.
Anyway, Im done with this semester, as I said.
Ive actually been having a weird time without school. Ive found myself obsessing about food a lot more than usual, which is scary, and is also amidst a lot of "drama" with my nutritionist, if you will.
I talked to my first roomate/housemate/friend from treatment last night. I freakin love the girl. She, too, is doing eating disorder research, looking at a way to redesign the eating disorder screening systems to apply to men with eating disorders. Shes applying to PhD programs. Im so proud of us.
She and I have a lot of the same feelings regarding a lot of the same things currently... dietician... old treatment center where we are still involved, etc and it was REALLY good to talk to someone about it who has the same relationship to it as I do.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
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