I feel the need to write. I have for days, but what to say I am not sure.
Being home has been an amazing vacation. I have been feeling somewhat held, nested, in a safe place, which LA never was for me before.
I have spent time with my old community/treatment center. I have realized that they really truly are my family, just as much as my genetic family here. They are home.
It is in their arms that I feel cradled, supported, seen and understood.
The law of living that I am attempting to subscribe to more and more these days is "Stay connected, no matter what" which is a tennet of a group I am becoming actively involved with in NYC. I find it is the most painful, but most fulfilling and growth supporting way to live.
There was someone with which I needed to do this intead of running away, and I did and I feel much better now. I think this staying connected thing is big for me. I am quick to trust, but just as quick to assume I cannot trust if trust is broken, even if I dont understand what happened.
Not getting responses to my emails and calls came down to a lot of things, but the true answer felt both good and bad. Part of the response was on a personal level, that she almost quit because she was working 12 hour days then going home to answer emails, and hearing this truth of her life, made me feel much more connected... the hard part was that she said she only answers the ones she needs to to put out fires and that resonated with something I have fought hard. It echoed the "Rachael is always okay and always will be" thing that I have had to fight so hard to learn to feel again. I understand it and at the same time, it keeps me from getting what I need. Regardless, hearing that I was loved and cared about was all I needed.
Being home again and sitting in groups has led me to see my own growth and I am rather proud and blessed to have kept traveling down this road further into the journey I call my life.
I also got to hang out with my oldest friend who is currently in treatment where I was. I blogged about this awhile back, but it was really good to see her and to feel her new energy in this place. I am hoping that this experience of such a magical place brings us closer together and in a way I feel like it already has. I am hoping that it is one more thing that we share that is special in our hearts.
I had more surgery yesterday. My surgeon wanted to fix something and I told him he could only do it if he didnt put me out.... and so he didnt... which was insane!
Im not in much pain at all, but I still cannot believe he operated on me while I was awake.
It was secretely kind of cool.
I pretty much just went into a meditative state until he had me all numbed up, put my Ipod on and talked to my buds there while listening to music while he worked.
What else have i learned since being home?
I am sometimes naturally quiet and am fulfilled within myself this way
I am sometimes a loner of sorts
comiting to connection and speaking things begets relationship.
My story involved food and body, but much much more as well
Alas... I am falling asleep...
Goodnight sweet world