What is going on? Emily says write… free floating thoughts.. this isn’t a road I want to go down… shes right, it isn’t and yet it’s shelter seems so warm and embryonic. Perhaps I want to be cradled, babies, cared about, in a way I cant do for myself and yet, I feel as though the opposite has happened.
I have left a part of myself to find what I want and instead I find that I am not who I want to be.
My intellectual prowness taxes its creator, my craving for social connection exausts me, my yearning to help is never fulfilled and here I am, asking for more, asking for something, asking for essence.
I birthed a new live and watched, because with creation always comes destruction.
What was once mine is becoming someone elses, but if felt gone before I could feel like it wasn’t there and yet, the carpet pulled from a room I was no longer standing in has a profound effect on my imaginary home.
With creation comes a standard.
With connection there I loss
With transition there is loss
And with creation destruction and vice versa
And who am I amidst all of this?
Who am I?
Do I know?
What is the essence of me and why do I turn to what I have spent years stretching beyond?