There is a phenomenon I would like to address. A phenomenon that effects many of us. IT happens without our permission, but our permission isn’t necessary. It envokes many emotions that we may feel are unwarranted.
Its called “My best friend, turned ex best friend, turned friend, who is really more of a sister, who also has an ED is going to treatment where I went and I don’t like it” syndrome.”
Am I talking about myself here? Perhaps ☺
So why the strong reaction?
They are MY people.
It is MY safe place.
It was the one place in my life where I was able to create myself anew and I do not really want those worlds crossing. I am still actively involved there. I attend alumni retreats and do some organizing. When I am home I go to alum groups, etc.
It feels like I cannot ever just WIN. Now what does winning mean? It doesn’t mean having the worst eating disorder. It doesn’t mean having it longer… being in more treatments. I think it means getting away.
And I know the reality of it is that I have.
So what do we do when we feel invaded? What happens when these world cross?
With the urges that have surfaced since this finding, I know the answer isn’t relapse. It isn’t to be there with her. That is the last thing I would want.
Has anybody else dealt with this?
How do we keep out sacred space our own? Perhaps the answer is that we create it and it lives on within ourselves, within our recovery story, within our psyche.
It will always be mine.