Saturday, October 11, 2008

There is a phenomenon I would like to address. A phenomenon that effects many of us. IT happens without our permission, but our permission isn’t necessary. It envokes many emotions that we may feel are unwarranted.
Its called “My best friend, turned ex best friend, turned friend, who is really more of a sister, who also has an ED is going to treatment where I went and I don’t like it” syndrome.”

Am I talking about myself here? Perhaps ☺
So why the strong reaction?
They are MY people.
It is MY safe place.
It was the one place in my life where I was able to create myself anew and I do not really want those worlds crossing. I am still actively involved there. I attend alumni retreats and do some organizing. When I am home I go to alum groups, etc.
It feels like I cannot ever just WIN. Now what does winning mean? It doesn’t mean having the worst eating disorder. It doesn’t mean having it longer… being in more treatments. I think it means getting away.
And I know the reality of it is that I have.
So what do we do when we feel invaded? What happens when these world cross?
With the urges that have surfaced since this finding, I know the answer isn’t relapse. It isn’t to be there with her. That is the last thing I would want.

Has anybody else dealt with this?
How do we keep out sacred space our own? Perhaps the answer is that we create it and it lives on within ourselves, within our recovery story, within our psyche.

It will always be mine.


Kaz said...

I can relate to what you wrote. I know that it is a little different but when I first found a recovery site that seemed to be a really good place to be, I sent the link on to an internet friend who has been suffering for quite a while. I also gave the link to a friend in real life who finally got to the point where she was ready to ask for help. I saw someone create an account and thought it was one of them, then I saw my real life friend create an account and I freaked out about both of them actually being there. I felt like with them there I couldn't be myself anymore, I also was concerned that the people that I had gotten pretty attached to, would see more in them than in me.

I have managed to mellow out about it a little, but I wonder if it is because I have gotten past it or if it os because neither person is on the site at all. Only one of them had signed up and then never actually has been back since. I'd like to think that if she came back I would be open to it, but I wonder...

A place that has become so safe for me, to have someone else who I know come in...and I don't know, take it? It was just too much.

All that crap being said, I think that it comes down to realizing that you can never be replaced.

Take care,


Anonymous said...

rach - i went through this myself.
that friendship is trashed...

i know that's kind of unhelpful, but i just wanted to say that it's neat to know that you went through that same stuff too!

take care

TwistedBarbie said...

Hmmm.. who are you anonymous???