Saturday, October 4, 2008

Social work school does not provide time for blogging.
As often as I think "gee, this belongs in a blog," I never get around to sitting down with my computer and generating thoughts beyond those that I must include in a required paper.
Oh well. You love me anyway.
I started my Contemporary issues in eating disorder assesment and treatment mini-course this past friday.
I am never sure what I expect from things like this, but what generally happens is that I end up teaching a large section of the class.
The introductions proved to be interesting as only one other woman and I chose to identify ourselves as past sufferers, recovered, whatever.
I feel as though It is important to back my opinions up with my history, and I am also a believer in self disclosure in regards to eating disorder treatment.
Every step I take towards Eating Disorder professional feels like it fits when I try it on.
I question once and again if I am ready. I avoid the readings after meals....
That isnt to say I HAVE to avoid them then, but it just doesnt feel beneficial for me to read them after meals or right before bed when I would be more apt to cycle thoughts in relation to myself in a way that wouldnt be helpful.
I am also reading the really specific readings about how to treat eating disorders or different treatment theories and not the readings about temperment, etc.
The truth is, if youve had an eating disorder and youre an intelligent person, you have probably dont your fair share of reading about them already. I have a whole shelf on my bookshelf devoted to books on the subject and I am over reading deffinitions, etc.
I have been reading many of the studies that I often cite but havent read all of such as the Fiji study and the Minnesota starvation study.

What I am looking towards this class for is the boost of confidence in transitioning from a "mentor" to a therapist and also the professional connections that can be made.

So me? How am I doing?
Im alright. I am currently scared that I am falling back in to overeating, but I do not know if that is a real fear or not.
I cant stay off the fucking scale at the gym, but the conversations I have had with other women there surrounding the topic are amazing.
They usually consist of "that scale is wrong... thats why you shouldnt weigh yourself"
and then me laughing at myself and making up some excuse in response.
But the truth is, theyre probably right.
Why do I weigh myself?
Because Im scared of gaining weight...
because If I know im stable then I dont have to think about food as much.
Because in some way it lets me bypass myself and my care of myself and live in a childish way in regards to food.
I believe my process since being well into recovery has modeled the growing up process...
At first I needed somebody to feed me
then I needed somebody to tell me it was okay to eat
then I did it myself but was unsure
then I was proud
then I played with what I could do
Then I felt safe with it, but needed support or reassurance
then I did it all by myself
then I would regress because I needed love
then I wanted to do it for me
then I did do it for me and liked the aknowledgement
then I made it mine... my relationship to food
then I wanted to be superwoman
then I got confused
then I decided to do it all... do it myself
Then it started to feel out of control.., but because im doing it myself... i dont know if it is...

Now, that isnt to say I am being stubborn, but I am learning to navigate new territory and a VERY different life.
The one thing I realized was that the only thing my treatment team never taught me was how to live without one!

and I am learning that now.

THe "what if's"
scare the hell out of me.
What if I gain weight and cant stop overeating?
What if I have to switch nutritionists and find one here? (will I relive too much trauma)
What if I am TOTALLY fine and only scared because it is a focus?

What if I remember WHO I am and that no matter what, I am a strong woman who knows how to reach out and let people in and that Ill be okay and go through growth no matter what happens.

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