Friday, November 14, 2008

What do I enjoy in an internal/embodied way?
I enjoy sitting around a fire with friends and a guitar, singing and looking up at the stars.
I enjoy the shivers and shocks of cold that dart through your body when you realize that something in the world has shifted and that you were a part of it.
I enjoy massages and being tickled.
I enjoy the feeling of the sun my back. I enjoy the feeling of jumping out of a plane with a parachute, both in a symbolic and embodied way. I enjoy jumping on trampolines and the feeling of bouncing when you finally collapse. I enjoy rollercoasters. I enjoy singing and feeling my soul become one with my breath and my body. I enjoy the cocoon like feeling of laying in the steam room after a hard workout and the vague soreness the next day. I enjoy the coursing of shakti and surrendering and merging that happens when I meditate with my Sangha. I enjoy the feeling of a good hug.
I enjoy swinging on swings and wondering, like I did as a child, if I could go high enough to wrap around the top. I, finally, as an adult, enjoy hula hoping. I love riding a bike just at the beginning of fall and feeling completely free moving through space. I love horseback riding, although it is a lot scarier than it was when I was competitive as a kid. I love the synchronicity of dancing a tap dance that you already know and feeling a part of it. I love the subletly of a great Fosse number, where just a minor wrist curl makes everything sexy. I I enjoy a good arm wrestle, and knowing I'm strong enough to win 99.9 percent of the time. I enjoy the feeling of surrendering between the mattress and a duvet, but still being awake enough to curl up with a good book and a cup of tea. I enjoy the ultimate bath; bubble bath, tea, good music, candles and an Oprah Magazine. I enjoy rolling down hills. I enjoy spontaneous rock climbing. I enjoy music that makes your spirit groove. I enjoy the feeling of taking off a pair of heels after a night out. I enjoy a good Jacuzzi, especially outside at night with a glass of champagne.
But honestly, what I really enjoy, more than anything else, on a physical, spiritual, soulful, emotional level is sex. I honestly believe it is what saved me from absolutely destroying my body in the worst of times. It was something my body always did right. It was something I understood on all levels. It was the place in my life where I was the healthiest. It became what I studied, what I embodied, what I fought for. The experience didn’t rely on being at a certain weight. It had nothing to do with what I ate that day. Hell, there were MORE flavors than I could ever taste of ice cream. I never felt I should do it or shouldn’t do it. It was purely untouched by the negative factors that most of my life was barraged by. It was one way I could be in my body, love my body, let somebody else be a part of that, and celebrate something I would always have no matter what. Actually, before I went into treatment, the moment I knew something was really truly wrong was when I had bad sex for the first time and for the wrong reasons. I got out of bed and thought, “Okay, this isn’t me. Something is NOT okay.”
To me, it is similar to an amazing protest! Emotionally, there is an investment. You care about what you’re doing. It just plain feels good. You can feel the excitement in every part of your body. Spiritually, there is a connection to the divine, in a way that the universe makes more sense. It brings you into the moment, into yourself and who you are and how you are in relationship to others. It holds great power and can help free stuck energy, change old beliefs. Often people or types of people are involved that you never expected. Politically… well I just don’t do Republicans. No really. Size doesn’t really matter… its more about the noise you make. It hasn’t really started until somebody gets handcuffed. Hah! Just kidding.
Enough, enough ☺
But honestly, it is the most embodied experience I have a connection to on all levels. I do love the end of a yoga class, but holding things that hurt physically isn’t enjoyable. Spiritually, I love what it does, but physically? Not so much. And yes, I like how I feel about being in a gym, but does it FEEL good? No.

But really, there are a lot of things I enjoy. They


Anonymous said...

hi Twisted Barbie, i hope its ok if i leave you a comment....especially seen as its a very random comment about an issue which is not usually the first thing you ever talk about with someone! I totally find your attitude to sex amazing!...

Even though i never thought that i could ever eat normally and not have a terrible body image and i pretty much managed to do that, i still feel like i might never be able to have sex. i still hate my body too much for that. it's so weird, i can't even articulate the connection between being fully recovered and having sex but i know that for me, they are connected.

i'm 22 and i dont have a boyfriend, boys stress me out... and also, i dont even want to try to get into a relationship with someone only to tell them, yeah, i'm never going to sleep with you.

i have big boobs, size DD and if i didn't maybe it might be easier because i feel kind of okay about the rest of my body.

maybe i'll just always be curious about what you're describing Twisted Barbie.

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