Its 6:30 in the morning on sunday. Im sitting on the couch, tears streaming down my face, in the dark.
Its a long story. I have been carrying around a lot of pain about something... a group of people really, who used to care a lot for me in my roughest time and have since, more or less abandoned me, despite all the work Ive done for them. It is still a group I am associated with in many ways, and was planning on visiting while im home for 2 weeks this month. I mentioned this on somebody's facebook wall and received a note from somebody about how hurtful that was and how it was only going to push people away from me.
My instant response..... tears... because it made me realize how truly hurt I have been on top of being wrong for writing it out there.
Do you ever just feel stupid?
I have so many emotional responses....
one is this distinct yearning for the crisp clean edge of a razor... the next is that I would never numb myself after desperately searching for a life in which I can feel and cry...
I just hate being wrong. I hate being hurt. I dont know what to do about my relationship to these people. If I cut ties, it feels like cutting ties with a very important part of my journey and a home of sorts.
I dont know what I am going to do.... but for now, Im going to sit here and cry, because I suppose that is the largest testament of all to my recovery and strength of charactor.
I yearn so deeply to feel and I believe this is right....
But I am so hurt... so deeply hurt