Im so tired of nobody understanding. I talk to my nutritionist and I want her to understand. I want my therapist to understand. But really, how can they understand when I dont even understand whatever this ball of stuff that is left, is? What is it? My nutritionist thinks it has to do with intimacy with self. I think I am pretty far ahead of the general population on that front. I care very much for myself. I talk to myself nicely. I love myself. I ask myself the deeper questions of what I really want and need.
So what is it?
It isnt simple. It isnt "just let go."
I want to let go. I dont want to get stuck in patterns that arent evey "eating disordered," but rather "disordered eating."
But it runs deeper than just playing with my food. It runs deeper than trying new things or old things again. It runs deeper and further back.
This river originates before anybody's knowing.
Part of what is so difficult is that, I feel like when I do make HUGE strides, nobody really understands how huge they are for me. Not healthy people, not even other people who have had eating disorders. I feel like it would take someone with a simalir history to really truly understand, but I have not yet met anyone with a history like mine, and I dont believe I am likely to as Im sure not many exist.
So how do I celebrate these things? I do it myself, but how do I let other people into how HUGE they are for me?
It runs so far back... so much deeper... I know that.
Deeper than what, I dont know, but I know it to be true nonetheless.
I need to be held.