Monday, December 1, 2008

Im so tired of nobody understanding. I talk to my nutritionist and I want her to understand. I want my therapist to understand. But really, how can they understand when I dont even understand whatever this ball of stuff that is left, is? What is it? My nutritionist thinks it has to do with intimacy with self. I think I am pretty far ahead of the general population on that front. I care very much for myself. I talk to myself nicely. I love myself. I ask myself the deeper questions of what I really want and need.
So what is it?
It isnt simple. It isnt "just let go."
I want to let go. I dont want to get stuck in patterns that arent evey "eating disordered," but rather "disordered eating."
But it runs deeper than just playing with my food. It runs deeper than trying new things or old things again. It runs deeper and further back.
This river originates before anybody's knowing.
Part of what is so difficult is that, I feel like when I do make HUGE strides, nobody really understands how huge they are for me. Not healthy people, not even other people who have had eating disorders. I feel like it would take someone with a simalir history to really truly understand, but I have not yet met anyone with a history like mine, and I dont believe I am likely to as Im sure not many exist.
So how do I celebrate these things? I do it myself, but how do I let other people into how HUGE they are for me?
It runs so far back... so much deeper... I know that.
Deeper than what, I dont know, but I know it to be true nonetheless.

I need to be held.


Kaz said...

Hey babe...

I understand to a degree about people not realizing when something is big for you...sure the "big" things that we do that astound us may be different but the fact that they feel so ginormous to us and yet apparently seem so simple to others is the same.

As far as getting people to understand...the only suggestion I can make is maybe starting the sentence with "I am proud of myself because I..." I don't know...

Maybe something we can work on together?


Tracey said...

Dear TB-

Well, if I may be so bold to place my POV, and apologies if it's not welcome here- guess you can always delete if desired. I for one, being a parent of an ED/AN child, DO see how HUGE and monumental the steps on this long recovery road are!

I know how agonizing and frustrating it is to be on the sidelines watching the child you joyously gave birth to, raised, fed, nutured and see healthy for years, slowly succumb to such a deadly and life-robbing disease. And at times feel as if nothing you try objectively, diligently and ferociously (as any Mamma-bear would!) to do to keep her safe and sustained keeps the ED from howling at the door and banging like the banshies to get back in! -pardon, on a bit of a metaphorical tangent. :(

No, of course, I don't *know*, and none of us with or w/o an ED knows exactly-personally-intimately what that individuals armor, carried day in day out weighs (excuse the pun, humor is essential throughout all of this too!) and what those pivotal moments of true triumph and success are like; as well as the lowest of lows can feel like.

Only YOU know that, only my d knows what she's wrestling with, and sometimes resigning to. Because the fight and following through with what is vital to managing this illness, (like many other chronic illnesses, but quite frustrating since ED's are still not given their full due reckoning and mandated system of highest quality of care/treatment for ALL) and many times it takes enormous amounts of support, $$ and "team" coordinated efforts and f/u to stay strong and healthy for a significant amount of time for the mind/body to heal.

No it's not a task taken lightly either as sufferers-ED survivors (you have all survived and gone through a major health crisis that is incredibly challenging and will test you every step, relapse prevention, bite of the way!) or as caregiver-family member(s), provider, etc.

Maybe the question should be HOW can those of us on the outside fully understand and be more supportive and helpful?

You, my d and many others, have a very unique and poignant position in that you can open the eyes of others who don't *know*. And continue to help the rest of us to understand much more fully what this life-changing experience is really like from your very personal and honest perspective. Help put a voice vs silence to this illness and continue to implement needed changes so that the mystery and misconceptions, stigmas and endless stereotypes begin to fade.

And we can celebrate and applaud, as Kaz states, the "ginormous" strides people with ED's make to living their full lives!

I honor your work and words and say keep going. Your ability to Love yourself and honor your Life and moments of success are a great indicator that you already *know* something far wiser than most wandering blindly in the day-to-day of thier lives... THAT is worth everything!

((hugs of congrats)) I don't know you personally, and have only just found your blog (thank you for linking me, by the way- I will do likewise in kind) Nice to know that I'm not rambling to the abyss... though this post surely will tire anyone who has sifted through, sorry!

In Peace and Continued Strength!

-shanti *Tracey