What is going on? Emily says write… free floating thoughts.. this isn’t a road I want to go down… shes right, it isn’t and yet it’s shelter seems so warm and embryonic. Perhaps I want to be cradled, babies, cared about, in a way I cant do for myself and yet, I feel as though the opposite has happened.
I have left a part of myself to find what I want and instead I find that I am not who I want to be.
My intellectual prowness taxes its creator, my craving for social connection exausts me, my yearning to help is never fulfilled and here I am, asking for more, asking for something, asking for essence.
I birthed a new live and watched, because with creation always comes destruction.
What was once mine is becoming someone elses, but if felt gone before I could feel like it wasn’t there and yet, the carpet pulled from a room I was no longer standing in has a profound effect on my imaginary home.
With creation comes a standard.
With connection there I loss
With transition there is loss
And with creation destruction and vice versa
And who am I amidst all of this?
Who am I?
Do I know?
What is the essence of me and why do I turn to what I have spent years stretching beyond?

Often in times of growth or fear I have food related dreams/nightmares...
My father and his wife are in town for a few days and I had a nightmare last night that I wasnt allowed to eat sugar while I was with him and I wasnt allowed to leave him.
What do I make of that?
Sure... my food was restricted as a child...
I wasnt supposed to eat sugar or anything else really... but... why now?
Is it because it is the first time I have lived far since recovering?

What do you think?

Social work school does not provide time for blogging.
As often as I think "gee, this belongs in a blog," I never get around to sitting down with my computer and generating thoughts beyond those that I must include in a required paper.
Oh well. You love me anyway.
I started my Contemporary issues in eating disorder assesment and treatment mini-course this past friday.
I am never sure what I expect from things like this, but what generally happens is that I end up teaching a large section of the class.
The introductions proved to be interesting as only one other woman and I chose to identify ourselves as past sufferers, recovered, whatever.
I feel as though It is important to back my opinions up with my history, and I am also a believer in self disclosure in regards to eating disorder treatment.
Every step I take towards Eating Disorder professional feels like it fits when I try it on.
I question once and again if I am ready. I avoid the readings after meals....
That isnt to say I HAVE to avoid them then, but it just doesnt feel beneficial for me to read them after meals or right before bed when I would be more apt to cycle thoughts in relation to myself in a way that wouldnt be helpful.
I am also reading the really specific readings about how to treat eating disorders or different treatment theories and not the readings about temperment, etc.
The truth is, if youve had an eating disorder and youre an intelligent person, you have probably dont your fair share of reading about them already. I have a whole shelf on my bookshelf devoted to books on the subject and I am over reading deffinitions, etc.
I have been reading many of the studies that I often cite but havent read all of such as the Fiji study and the Minnesota starvation study.

What I am looking towards this class for is the boost of confidence in transitioning from a "mentor" to a therapist and also the professional connections that can be made.

So me? How am I doing?
Im alright. I am currently scared that I am falling back in to overeating, but I do not know if that is a real fear or not.
I cant stay off the fucking scale at the gym, but the conversations I have had with other women there surrounding the topic are amazing.
They usually consist of "that scale is wrong... thats why you shouldnt weigh yourself"
and then me laughing at myself and making up some excuse in response.
But the truth is, theyre probably right.
Why do I weigh myself?
Because Im scared of gaining weight...
because If I know im stable then I dont have to think about food as much.
Because in some way it lets me bypass myself and my care of myself and live in a childish way in regards to food.
I believe my process since being well into recovery has modeled the growing up process...
At first I needed somebody to feed me
then I needed somebody to tell me it was okay to eat
then I did it myself but was unsure
then I was proud
then I played with what I could do
Then I felt safe with it, but needed support or reassurance
then I did it all by myself
then I would regress because I needed love
then I wanted to do it for me
then I did do it for me and liked the aknowledgement
then I made it mine... my relationship to food
then I wanted to be superwoman
then I got confused
then I decided to do it all... do it myself
Then it started to feel out of control.., but because im doing it myself... i dont know if it is...

Now, that isnt to say I am being stubborn, but I am learning to navigate new territory and a VERY different life.
The one thing I realized was that the only thing my treatment team never taught me was how to live without one!

and I am learning that now.

THe "what if's"
scare the hell out of me.
What if I gain weight and cant stop overeating?
What if I have to switch nutritionists and find one here? (will I relive too much trauma)
What if I am TOTALLY fine and only scared because it is a focus?

What if I remember WHO I am and that no matter what, I am a strong woman who knows how to reach out and let people in and that Ill be okay and go through growth no matter what happens.

It has been forever, hasnt it?
Ive moved to NYC.
Ive made amazing friends.
Ive started grad school.
Ive started getting really involved again, but Im trying to be healthy about it.
Ive set up house..
I have had a few really difficult days....
Im ashamed to admit the struggles that I have had, but for reasons of which I am unsure. I purged 4 or 5 times this week. I was scared about my weight. Im eating every meal out. Im eating cheesy things... greasy fried things... chocolate things...
and I got really scared that I was crazy and couldnt stop....
in fact... i got on a scale today... and I am the same weight as I was when I left LA.

However, despite some slips after being so close to recovered, I feel even closer to it...
I have an amazing life, with amazing friends who dont have EDs, but know about mine and are there if I need them. I have a vibrant atmosphere and love surrounding me. I have my share of trials but I dont use food to navigate them
I go out with friends and drink. I eat things that include fried and cheesy things :P
I do a lot of walking and take the occasional dance or yoga class.
This is recovery, and I love it :)

Sorry for the lack of updates as of late!
I havent had any steady internet access.
So HERE I AM!
I arrived in NYC after an amazing send off. I had a lovely sit down dinner party with many of my lovliest friends. THe people who meant the most to me were there ant it felt so special. IT was one of those occasions where you look around and truly understand in your soul that you are deeply loved. I felt loved. I felt seen and I even had 2 cosmos and flourless chocolate cake with no regard of the caloric content.
I left the next morning and arrived in NYC that evening.
I stayed with a friend the first night and while up quite late, we decided to illustrate diagnostic codes from the DSM. Bring it on grad school!
We drew "Polly Substance Abuse" poly pockets substance abusing friend.
IT was quite humorous if I do say so myself. I would post a picture, but I am not on my own computer.
Oh yes... I am not on my computer. Let me explain.
Ben Hur, the moving company that I, in full faith, HATE! Lied to my family and I twice and the outcome is that I have NO IDEA IN HELL when ANY of my stuff will get here.... thus, I had to find places to sleep.
Now, my place/my space is one of my biggest things. Not having my own safe space/bed/whatever to come home to leaves me feeling all things bad. I slept at one girl's house the first night and another's the second night.
THe second night was interesting from an ED/culture perspective. This girl is also starting my program this fall and will quickly become one of my best friends (yes, I am a fortune teller, so bite it)...she is on a diet... I am not sure whether it is for her or her mother, but her mother counts every calorie that goes in the poor girls mouth and leaves her feeling bad and guilty for eating.... a salad....anything.
It hurt in my heart to know what that feels like, and so in turn, while her mother was telling her not to have a donut for breakfast (but instead something else with more calories..but seemed to have less)... I had one. I admit i viewed the caloric content first as while I am close to recovered, I do fear trauma triggers, which for me come specifically from unnecssary weight gain.
Other than this, her mother was a complete doll and did everything she could to take care of me.
I arrived home the next day only to find out that UPS ALSO messed up a delivery of my air conditioner.
I truly felt homeless for the first time. I ended up staying in a hotel.
I went to bed and bath to secure some necessities and ended up waiting A WHOLE FREAKING HOUR for a cab in the POURING RAIN....
I Finally got a cab... got to my apt... got all the bags out and they ALLLLLL
broke from the rain...
SO I had to take several trips up and down my 5 floor walk up.
After a massive, fall to your knees and beg God kind of breakdown, THe macys sale seemed to help me feel better. I didnt actually buy anything, but sometimes walking around stores or malls calms me. IT is so interesting to look at the different things that help people calm down and get centered. I went out with a boy, henceforth, The Educated one. It was really nice, but it was an odd night as I wasnt sure if he was trying to tell ME he didnt want a realtionship or convince HIMSELF he didnt want one. Either way, I enjoy his company and see him as a good friend.
I am now at the shore with a good friend from treatment and her husband. THey invited me out for 3 days and have been nothing less than amazing. IT is beautiful even WITH the HUGE storm that is going on and I am loving this necessary escape from the past week. I EVEN PUT ON A BIKINI AND WENT SWIMMING TODAY.
THat was the first time in my adult life. I havent owned a bikini since age 7.
I havent swam since ... well it has been a long time.
And it felt good.
I feel good. There is a core inside me that is sad right now. I am sad because I feel like I have no home. I feel the instability that exists in my external world. I know that essentially I am okay, but I Feel so alone in this and the quite inside parts of me are sad.
I know this will change though.
Peace, Love and Revolution,

my psychiatrist is not the kind of person you meet every day, or every year even. He is the kind that SOME people meet once in a lifetime. He is truly one of those people who is so smart that he is completely strange and yet I LOVE talking to him about the eccentricities and the very nature of quirkiness, etc.

I saw him for my last appointment today as I am moving to NYC this coming wednesday and He was so kind.
Given my background and all I have been through, having it aknowledged from time to time as the intense struggle and seemingly insurmountable odds that I overcame feels good, but the man pretty much bowed down and kissed my feet.

And you know, it is hard to aknowledge my own "greatness(??)" because its just me...
I wouldnt have done it any other way and frankly wouldnt understand how to.

Anyway, he told me I was perhaps the most inspirational person he had met in this living realm (Oh dr E) and made some lovely comment about "flowers for the living." Which I interpreted to mean that you should tell people things directly instead of when it is too late... I quite like the term.

After that I started the worshop that I am taking thursday through sunday at Exhale in Venice. There is a yoga teacher there who is also trained in somatic experiencing that I have grown rather close to over the past few months... mostly through emails, but during one of my last surgeries I was dying of "lack of acheivement" on the couch and she gave me something to do....
To do a grassroots type campaign to get out the word on a training she was doing...
and in exchange I got a scholarship!
The training is "Teaching Yoga to At Risk and Oppressed Populations," which is right up my alley! Given everyone and their mother has a 200 hour training under their belt these days, this gives me a little something extra to take to NY where getting a yoga job seems to be just as difficult as landing a part on broadway.
The workshop is composed of amazing people with backgrounds of service and care. Their is one other woman who works at an ED step down facility teaching yoga. She asked to speak with me given the work I do/have done (and my own personal history, but she doesnt know too much about that yet) because she wanted some insight. I love feeling like others want my expertise! IT is also nice to feel more like colleagues than anything at this point.

What I didnt expect was allllll of the work being about trauma. Based on the theory that an amount of violence is equal to the amount of pain a person is experiencing, we delved directly into trauma work.
Well shit.
Most of what we were talking about wasnt sudden trauma but longer term more subtle or emotional trauma.
Welcome!
Needless to say, after 5 hours I felt quite triggered and looked a whole HELL of a lot bigger in every mirror I passed. I DID however eat dinner despite the idea that skipping it would be cool...
And 2 points for the recovered team!
The exercise this week is not feeling "good enough" for me. I didnt do much the first half of the week because of packing and movers, etc and then it didnt occur to me that we wouldnt really do much practice during this workshop, so Im more or less out all week. *deep inhale*
It shouldnt make a difference. I repeat, it shouldnt make a difference.
Im letting go, IM moving on, and with that Ill be fine.

TOnight I sat with my meditation group for the last time. The energy was amazing and my teacher and I were very connected and it felt very special.
I dont really have anything else to say about that as it is mostly an internal experience.

I have to be at the yoga studio at 7 am tomorrow, so seeing as it is almost 1 am, Im going to attempt to not find anything else more important than sleep!

It occurs to me, once again, that I want to use this blog for something more.
I want to use it as a source, not just to expose and comment on societal issues regarding food and weight, but as a blog about the post severe eating disorder life.
What happens after someone who had an ED for 20 years gets out of treatment...
Works REALLY hard at recovery for over a year... turns it around and decides to become and ED professional?
What happens when they move to New York City to start grad school? What happens on bad body image days? What happens when old thoughts creep in?
What happens when things are amazing? After a date? When she is body to body with a lover? When the scars left on her body from 30 hours of surgery are exposed in the public? When she starts seeing clients?


Lets find out...