Saturday, January 3, 2009

Hello 2009. Hello World.

A brief update on the current before I delve into the past...
I was supposed to go back to NYC today, but I am too sick, so I will be flying back wednesday.
I HATE laying around the house when I dont want to! I HATE staying home all day!


New Years Eve day was a beautiful mix of everything. I woke up in the morning and headed to the Krishna temple. I love the energy and community that exists there. The energy always makes my eyes water.
I met someone I hadnt seen in 6 years. I had a teacher in high school, who wasnt my teacher, but worked at the school. She was an AMAZING woman, who existed in a way that inspired me to want to be like her. She loved deeply, said what was on her mind, told her truth clearly, inspite of potential opposition and was just remarkable. She also gave rather amazing hugs.
She was the first teacher at the school who said out loud and clear that she was a lesbian, in school where we were based on diversity and she was respected for it.
She was the first adult that I came out to.
When I was living at the transition house, one day I wrote letters to all of the strong remarkable woman who I had encountered but lost along the way and she was one of them. I got an email back, but meeting up never worked. Years later, recently, we found eachother on facebook and have a lot in common. We both value vulnerability and are very spiritual people. She dances with 5 rhythyms and lives with a river coursing through her front yard. We have both changed a lot.
So we met up at the Krishna temple and laid on the grass and talked for 2 hours.
What a beautiful, full, whole woman!
She asked whatever happened after high school, what happened for me there, what became of my sexuality.
I told her my story as I now know it. She seemed a bit awed by the intensity of my journey. She mentioned that she didnt remember me as being heavy in high school. I was already well over 200 lbs, so I know I was. How interesting that she didnt remember me that way. She spoke of her first long term lover and how she was heavy and we both spoke about our appreciation of women who were atleast curvy or more well rounded.
It is true. I am more attracted to women with a little extra shape to them. I think bodies are sexy. We talked about feminism and weight and eating disorders a little bit.
She said something interesting about how having an eating disorder and being a feminist is only contradictory if you deny it, if you dont talk about it....
if you dont say that " yes, we starve ourselves, we throw up, we cut our bodies, we gorge ourselves on food. Yes. This is woman. It is not all woman, but it is one layer of woman.... welcome"
WOW. That felt really profound for me.
We talked about our lives... loves....
I talked about waking up to men in college and the fluidity of my sexuality. I realized in talking about it, how LITTLE I actually talk about it and in a way am almost dishonest about it in my lack of talking about it. Why is this? I have always been such an LGBT activist. Why dont I mention it?
I think that with regard to living in my truth, I am going to start questioning this and taking risks again with this. I will see what comes up, because I dont know WHY I dont talk about it much anymore.
I want to live my truth in it's wholeness.
We spoke about dancing, and vulnerability. About happiness and being happy. About old times! Embaressing old times... mostly hers... things she did as a teacher that she didnt remember... hysterical things like teaching about S&M during a women's studies sex ed class.
How we have all grown.
I said to her that as she was someone I always immensily respected and how good it feels to know that I have grown to embody some of the same things.
After that...
I left and went to my nutritionist... where I proceeded to flip out afterwards and put on PJ's and get into bed for awhile. I dont actually know WHY I flipped out other than some things were very triggering for me.
Then I spent the night with the girls I lived in the transition house with. We saw the Nixon movie, which was GREAT!
Then L and I went back to her apt and walked down to the beach just intime for midnight and 2009. We skipped, danced and felt the beauty of all that we were.
It was amazing!
I drove home and tried to sleep, but the Shakti from my Sangha's new years retreat wouldnt let me. I got up at the crack of dawn and drove up to Santa Barbara to meditate and welcome the new year. I drove two hours through the foggy dew... the ghosts of the past year leaving and when I walked into the room the energy was unspeakable. There was a 6 foot Shiva as part of the Puja... it was gorgeous!
We meditated all day and I got to catch up with E and got hugs from lot of people.
It was good to talk to my teacher as well. His energy was so healing and reinvigorating.
We read the gita together, which was cool.
I felt like I was cleansed in so many ways... which is perhaps why I am sick now... letting go of all the crap...
I drove back, hit a Jewish Deli and went to bed, to sleep better than in a long time.
I have been struggling a little bit with purging, on the topic of living in truth. Yeah. Welcome.
I am supposed to call a diatician in NYC... a specific one who is really good. Im scared frankly. I am scared shitless to have someone in my food again. I am so afraid I am overeating, which is why the purging is surfacing. Doing things from the past. I dont know.
In reality, I am here, this is my truth. Im going to speak it.
On another note, my mother just offered me a cookie and I turned it down. Why? Because I really didnt want it. COOL!
I am just trusting that amongst the chaos that has been my life with food, something in there is speaking, whispering and will get louder. As L said on new years as I was talking to her, I know and I have always known. I am most likely not overeating and am likely doing the exact right thing for me with food.
Im trying to trust.
I had most of my stitches out yesterday. Several of them popped again, so once again, I am left with open wounds. Okay. I can live that way. Metaphorically speaking, I have learned to live with open wounds, draining as opposed to attempting to keep mending something which will not mend.
So! Welcome 2009 and everybody in it. Welcome...
My resolution for all of you? May we ALL know our own beauty!


Tiptoe said...

It sounds like you had a good New Year's. It's very cool you got a chance to meet up with your teacher who had such a positive impact on you. Those are a dime a dozen, so it's lovely when it happens.

You could very well not be feeling well from "cleansing." It's a good thing to do every once in awhile and hopefully begins the new year on a positive note.

Good luck with the nutritionist. Kind of scary but could be helpful too.

MelissaS said...

i'm a Gemini too! this was a beautiful post. i'm so glad you got to spend time with a supportive from the past who remembers you more gently than you remember yourself.looking at our lives isn't always pleasant, is it?
i've been reading through your blog, but i'm going to have to read back further to find out what you were in the hospital for and what surgery you're recovering from. sounds like you've had a long, hard struggle. happy to hear you're in recovery. and nutritionists are scarey!

MelissaS said...

i've been thinking about this post. i'm sorry purging is a problem for you now. i know how awful it is. i used to love barfing, in a way. now, it's just painful, physically and emotionally.

i like the idea that eating disorders and feminism can live side-by-side. this has always been and continues to be a big issue for me. when i "honor" my eating disorder, i usually feel like i'm turning into Pin-up Barbie or something.

i'm glad you came out and hope there was enough support when you did. sounds like maybe there wasn't. nothing is easy, is it?

TwistedBarbie said...

Thanks for the comments lovlies!

The surgeries over the past year were all reconstructive. My journey took me from a HW of 367 at one point to too thin for my body... which...(I dont post low numbers) was not low, but WAY lower than my HW.
Given I grew up heavy and the rate at which I went from obese to anorexic, my body was a mess and never recovered from it, so once I was about a year out from treatment, I started my reconstructive journey.
I HATE purging actually. I just have so much fear about going back to being heavy. Now, will purging help? probably not. I know. And for me, purging always leads to restricting which leads to misery and I am not interested in that.
I TOTALLY hear you about the feminism part. How is it that we can consciously contribute to our own erasure? our true selves? Isnt it odd that we can live in this contradiction? This is something I want to have more conversation about with others in simalir positions. I wish there was a forum for this kind of discussion.
With regard to coming out, actually, there was tons of support. I went to schools that were based on diversity and social change to the extent that you couldnt even say "thats so gay."
My journey with it was somewaht backwards... I only dated women until about half way through college at which point something shifted and I started noticing men MUCH more. These days I mostly date men, but I feel like my sexuality is fluid and because of my activism, academic background and ability to shift, I dont identify as straight.

Woohoo for Geminis! I look forward to reading your blog!