Monday, January 5, 2009

Its 2:45 AM. I cant sleep. I feel like Im reliving eating disorder up all night syndrome or something...
You know... where you either cant sleep at all or you cant get up?
Im not sure why. Im not undereating and I havent purged in days.
Im DEFFINITELY not overexercising (home in LA... )
I will admit I might have taken laxitives for the first time in.... well... 2 years? tonight, but it wasnt as much of a weight thing as it was a "jesus, this iron I have to take is making things not work so well" kind of thing... and of course, I had the scale somewhat in the back of my mind when finally taking them tonight, since theyve been sitting there for awhile.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or dont do behavior wise, my head is a mess, so the line between not using my ED and using symptoms is a stupid formality.
Ive gone months and months without using behaviors... eating hapily and normally... and still, my head will be the same.
Its a war zone inside there. Its contstant torture. Im always, every second of every day, afraid that im gaining weight, that im overeating. I live in fear and I dont want to!
Its so painful and I dont know why tonight is especially so.
Im laying here and besides all of that crap, Im also thinking of life stuff that has nothing to do with food. Im wondering why I wasnt important when I lived at the step down house. Im wondering why I am not as speical to K as C is, or why I was never A's pet like T is. When do I get to be special to someone? Ive always tried to MAKE myself special instead of assuming I should just BE special, but that hasnt really worked either... atleast not in a lasting way. I want to be special for who I am and not how much work I do.
I admit that ive been glancing a little longer at the diet pills lately... not buying or taking.... just looking... as if the right one might pop out at me.
I just dont want to live like this anymore. I want to trust myself and my body and my intuition and I FUCKING NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP ME DO THAT
I have a fucking headache and I cant sleep and Im whining and bitching and am probably going to regret posting this in the morning.



Kaz said...

Regret it or not, there is a reason you wrote this. I definitely understand the war in your head. I wish that war would end for you. I wish that in the worst way. You and I both know that no diet pill will make it all better, no meal skipped, no meal purged, it never solves what is really going on. Keep fighting against the thoughts that will slowly take you away from the Universe you love so much.

You are important to many, special as well. You will find that someone my dear, they will come in time. It's funny though, that whole once you stop looking so hard thing is true...

I love you babe and I hope things get better for you.


MelissaS said...

i could have written that post. i'm so glad you did. i don't know what to do with my damned eating disorder. it's always niggling, even right now, when i'm kind of hungry, but fairly busy, and we're having a big meal tonight. a normal woman would nibble -- i'm hyper-analyzing the situation. you are not alone. the laxative thing - i understand iron side effects, and i know eating disorders. kind of a slippery slope? or are you comfortable with the decision?

sarah said...

I had one of those days yesterday, a night like that last night and this morning definitely started down that path - and I haven't had any real sort of relapse (ie weight stable few if any behaviors) in almost 4 years... Sucks, doesn't it?

Arielle Bair said...

The war in your head is certainly a vicious one. I understand it and I'm here for you. I support you. You'll get through this...and be even stronger for it. We all have those crazy thoughts in our heads sometimes. The bright side is: you know how to laugh, how to have fun, and how to beat this thing. You do. You really do. You've done it before and you'll do it again!

Thinking of you,