Its 2:45 AM. I cant sleep. I feel like Im reliving eating disorder up all night syndrome or something...
You know... where you either cant sleep at all or you cant get up?
Im not sure why. Im not undereating and I havent purged in days.
Im DEFFINITELY not overexercising (home in LA... )
I will admit I might have taken laxitives for the first time in.... well... 2 years? tonight, but it wasnt as much of a weight thing as it was a "jesus, this iron I have to take is making things not work so well" kind of thing... and of course, I had the scale somewhat in the back of my mind when finally taking them tonight, since theyve been sitting there for awhile.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or dont do behavior wise, my head is a mess, so the line between not using my ED and using symptoms is a stupid formality.
Ive gone months and months without using behaviors... eating hapily and normally... and still, my head will be the same.
Its a war zone inside there. Its contstant torture. Im always, every second of every day, afraid that im gaining weight, that im overeating. I live in fear and I dont want to!
Its so painful and I dont know why tonight is especially so.
Im laying here and besides all of that crap, Im also thinking of life stuff that has nothing to do with food. Im wondering why I wasnt important when I lived at the step down house. Im wondering why I am not as speical to K as C is, or why I was never A's pet like T is. When do I get to be special to someone? Ive always tried to MAKE myself special instead of assuming I should just BE special, but that hasnt really worked either... atleast not in a lasting way. I want to be special for who I am and not how much work I do.
I admit that ive been glancing a little longer at the diet pills lately... not buying or taking.... just looking... as if the right one might pop out at me.
I just dont want to live like this anymore. I want to trust myself and my body and my intuition and I FUCKING NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP ME DO THAT
I have a fucking headache and I cant sleep and Im whining and bitching and am probably going to regret posting this in the morning.