Thursday, January 15, 2009

I have this intense resistance to blogging lately. I dont know why.
Maybe ill find out why by doing it...
So what is up? Im doing A LOT, but I want to be doing it all.
I "broke up
with my nutritionist. I wrote her a long sentimental and yet very true letter about getting needs met, etc. I sent it. I am half waiting to hear something from her, and half not. I dont know. My part is over.
Show up
Pay attention
tell the truth
let go

I am letting myself be helped. That feels new. Im opening, growing.
SOmeone asked how I was tonight and I was honest in that my energy has been very up and down and that I can be turned on and ready to take life on, one ginormous freaking thing at a time and the next, I am up all night, re-experiencing trauma that I didnt feel the first time.
I know I am moving through something.
The person I told this to... they said I could come hang out whenever, even if they were busy... if I didnt want to sit alone with that.
IT feels so good to be seen, to be helped, to be loved in that place.
I also have a BIG old crush. On a girl, for once. When was the last time that happened?
I feel so connected to her and RAWR... oy!

Oh, I said NO today. I stood up for myself.
The director of my placement site said It is now manditory that all interns be there until a certain time wednesday night. I am there until 7 (which already means I dont get home until 8:30). She wants us there until 8:30, which means I dont get home until 10, which means I dont get to sleep until 12 on a really good day. I would only get to sleep until 8 because I would have to be up and on the subway to be back at 10.
Its probably enough sleep, but I wouldnt get any work done, wouldnt have any time for Self.
It wouldnt feel really bad in my life.
She said I had to
I said no
She said I had to
I said NO, and I will call my field advisor to let him know that If this is a requirement then they will need to find me a new placement as I would never have accepted this 6 months ago if this had been a requirement.
I am not willing to do that to myself.
You know what?
that NO felt FUCKING GOOD!

Okay.... bed time....
For another time when I am more awake.... I need to journal about why it is so hard for me to ask for what I want when it involves other people.

OH, and I FREAKING have had it with Oprah.
After reading her magazine last month, I felt she redeemed herself.
On the cover of this months magazine?
Um... and yet ANOTHER magazine I cant read now.


Arielle Lee Bair said...

Rawr, woman. Cut yourself some slack and keep praising yourself for all the good things, like you did in this post. There are a ton of hard things in life and you can only do so much. Take care of yourself the best you can keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am thinking of you.

Much love,

MelissaS said...

saying no is the best. my therapist told me to practice all the time, even about silly things. why is it the hardest thing to do?

good for you for saying no about the hours of your placement. how did that work out?

AnaBullshit said...

I am very impressed with your "no"...i'd say thats pretty much the hardest word there is to say...especially to someone you respect or care about. Ughhhh, i wish i could borrow your no! Well, keep it up, good luck!!! check out my blog :)

MelissaS said...

by the way, i hesitantly blogged about oprah yesterday. i'd be interested to hear what you think.

Kim said...

Hi there. You asked where I went to treatment on my blog (but I wasn't sure if you were signed up to receive follow-up comments so thought I'd reply here). I was at Monte Nido...which is where I think you were. Were you the "twisted Barbie" who started the alumni forum?? I always wondered, but nobody seems to talk openly about which treatment center they went to... Not sure why. Anyway, that's where I went :)