Saturday, January 10, 2009

I feel like im going crazy tonight.
Its 2 am. I have to be up at 8.
I want to binge and purge so badly and on top of that, I cant sleep.
I have so much anxiety and I dont know what about.
My roomate got back today. Shes been running every day of break and plans to join a gym and work up to a 5k.
FUCK.... thats so triggering for me.
I keep hearing *not good enough, not good enough*
I dont even know what to say, I feel like so much has gone on and all of it makes me feel terrible and inadiquate and im scared to start the semester this way.
Frankly, Im scared to go to work and start the semester.
What the fuck is going on with me?
Why have I been so depressed lately? Sleep? Meds? Having been sick? Combination?
All I know is that im fucking scared.
What else...
Im back in NY... dont know if I said that....
I FAILED at work last week... seriously... I didnt go monday because I was sick, wednesday my supervisor sent me home because appearently I looked like I felt, and thursday I called in because I felt shitty still.....
Im meeting internal resistance and I dont know if I should feel this way or not...
Im trying to breathe but im so scared!

I also just took on a huge ED policy related project, which is SUPER exciting....
and I got my policy paper back from last semester... my final... and the ONE teacher I really respected and I got an A!!! with great comments...
That felt good.

2 comments:

Standing in the Rain said...

deep breath hunny!

it's going to be ok. it sounds like you are doing the right things, even in the midst of a hard situation and lots of triggering stuff. stay the course!

do something distracting...listen to music, watch a movie, read a good book, rip paper into shreds, anything. you can get through this.

keep on keeping on!

(ps...not sure if i've ever commented on your blog before. i've been reading for a few weeks and love what you have to say. you are one cool chica!)

marie said...

Hi Gal, Tough times do come 'round -- without a doubt. You've got good reasons to be full of anxiety. Everything will be okay -- sometimes it is hard for me to believe that, and I get a lot of strength acknowledging that I am under stress. So, you and me and all those folks out there -- we will keep going -- stresses or not. Thanks for your honesty.