I finally have something to blog about. COUNTERTRANSFERENCE and the BODY
Fucking clients. Just kidding....no not really.
Every first year in the social work program has to do a needs/program evaluation and program implimentation. My advisor is quite strict, so it cant be some stupid flier you hand out like it can be in other classes.
For my project, I am doing a yoga and somatics processing group. I had the sign up in the hall way after announcing it at house meeting last wednesday. It was supposed to be a 10 person group and well over 30 signed up after somebody decided that the 10 lines werent obvious.
I like being the popular person, even if I dont have time for it these days.
Anyway, I was walking down the hall today, feeling pretty neutral about my body when one of the male clients asked me if I was teaching yoga.
I stopped and turned to him, giving him my full attention as I like to do when speaking with the clients where I work.
"Yes, I am" I said..
He eyes my body up and down. I feel very uncomfortable and objectified. It is rare that I am this privy to what another person is doing with regard to my body when it isnt a sexual encounter or flirting.
"You dont LOOK like you do yoga" he says....
COUNTERTRANSFERENCE BLAST
My inner dialogue "He called you fat, youre too fat to be a yoga teacher, OMG OMG OMG"
"Hmm, what do you mean?" I ask in a very value neutral way
"I dont know, you can bend yourself into all sorts of things?"

I walk back into my office that I share with another social worker and tell her I need to vent for a minute. She knows a bit about my history and Im open with her about these things.
"Im in Countertransference hell" I admit and tell her whats been going on.
She replies "He could have meant you arent 5"2" and boy shaped..."
UGH!!!!!
When I work with ED clients, Im prepared for this. I KNOW they have a distorted view of bodies and arm myself up for that.
This was HARD!
Im doing okay, but feeling very puffy tonight.

Honestly?
Ive just been too busy having sex to blog.

I have this intense resistance to blogging lately. I dont know why.
Maybe ill find out why by doing it...
So what is up? Im doing A LOT, but I want to be doing it all.
I "broke up
with my nutritionist. I wrote her a long sentimental and yet very true letter about getting needs met, etc. I sent it. I am half waiting to hear something from her, and half not. I dont know. My part is over.
Show up
Pay attention
tell the truth
let go

I am letting myself be helped. That feels new. Im opening, growing.
SOmeone asked how I was tonight and I was honest in that my energy has been very up and down and that I can be turned on and ready to take life on, one ginormous freaking thing at a time and the next, I am up all night, re-experiencing trauma that I didnt feel the first time.
I know I am moving through something.
The person I told this to... they said I could come hang out whenever, even if they were busy... if I didnt want to sit alone with that.
IT feels so good to be seen, to be helped, to be loved in that place.
I also have a BIG old crush. On a girl, for once. When was the last time that happened?
I feel so connected to her and RAWR... oy!

Hmm...
Oh, I said NO today. I stood up for myself.
The director of my placement site said It is now manditory that all interns be there until a certain time wednesday night. I am there until 7 (which already means I dont get home until 8:30). She wants us there until 8:30, which means I dont get home until 10, which means I dont get to sleep until 12 on a really good day. I would only get to sleep until 8 because I would have to be up and on the subway to be back at 10.
Its probably enough sleep, but I wouldnt get any work done, wouldnt have any time for Self.
It wouldnt feel really bad in my life.
She said I had to
I said no
She said I had to
I said NO, and I will call my field advisor to let him know that If this is a requirement then they will need to find me a new placement as I would never have accepted this 6 months ago if this had been a requirement.
I am not willing to do that to myself.
You know what?
that NO felt FUCKING GOOD!

Okay.... bed time....
For another time when I am more awake.... I need to journal about why it is so hard for me to ask for what I want when it involves other people.

OH, and I FREAKING have had it with Oprah.
After reading her magazine last month, I felt she redeemed herself.
On the cover of this months magazine?
WHICH DIET WORKS BEST.
Um... and yet ANOTHER magazine I cant read now.
Boo.

I am sitting on the couch, Desperate Housewives slowely coming to a close in the background and I am attempting to peice together what I want to say.
What DO I want to say?
I dont recall all the things I felt so pushed to write about earlier this week.
Ive been having significant problems with my diatician. I KNOW it is time to switch, but I cannot let her go. There are so many amazing things about her as a person and it is with a LOT of greif and mourning that I will have to do this. I need to write her a letter as opposed to doing it on the phone. I am hoping there is a way we can still keep in touch.
I also need to call the new diatician, which I have been trying to get myself to do for weeks.
Somebody hold me to this?
Also, Im hanging out with a new group of people. They are amazing and I feel like I have been searching for them for a long time. Theyre all friends and they (mostly) live and work at the organization thayre involved with, which I am now involved with too. Its based on connected living and other precepts that I will not get in to here, but you can ask more if you like... by email or facebook...

Also, did I mention I finally had sex? It was terrible sex, actually, but being present in my naked body with someone else naked and just laying around... no covers, for the first time in my life without a body that had something more associated with it (beyond my scars) was new and beautiful.
Cheers to sex in 09!

I feel like im going crazy tonight.
Its 2 am. I have to be up at 8.
I want to binge and purge so badly and on top of that, I cant sleep.
I have so much anxiety and I dont know what about.
My roomate got back today. Shes been running every day of break and plans to join a gym and work up to a 5k.
FUCK.... thats so triggering for me.
I keep hearing *not good enough, not good enough*
I dont even know what to say, I feel like so much has gone on and all of it makes me feel terrible and inadiquate and im scared to start the semester this way.
Frankly, Im scared to go to work and start the semester.
What the fuck is going on with me?
Why have I been so depressed lately? Sleep? Meds? Having been sick? Combination?
All I know is that im fucking scared.
What else...
Im back in NY... dont know if I said that....
I FAILED at work last week... seriously... I didnt go monday because I was sick, wednesday my supervisor sent me home because appearently I looked like I felt, and thursday I called in because I felt shitty still.....
Im meeting internal resistance and I dont know if I should feel this way or not...
Im trying to breathe but im so scared!

I also just took on a huge ED policy related project, which is SUPER exciting....
and I got my policy paper back from last semester... my final... and the ONE teacher I really respected and I got an A!!! with great comments...
That felt good.

BAH!!! I havent had any time to update...
It may be an early night, so hopefully ill get around to it!
But for the meantime, youll never believe what im getting myself into today...

I feel asthough have so much to say and yet it is 3 am...
Update soon

Its 2:45 AM. I cant sleep. I feel like Im reliving eating disorder up all night syndrome or something...
You know... where you either cant sleep at all or you cant get up?
Im not sure why. Im not undereating and I havent purged in days.
Im DEFFINITELY not overexercising (home in LA... )
I will admit I might have taken laxitives for the first time in.... well... 2 years? tonight, but it wasnt as much of a weight thing as it was a "jesus, this iron I have to take is making things not work so well" kind of thing... and of course, I had the scale somewhat in the back of my mind when finally taking them tonight, since theyve been sitting there for awhile.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or dont do behavior wise, my head is a mess, so the line between not using my ED and using symptoms is a stupid formality.
Ive gone months and months without using behaviors... eating hapily and normally... and still, my head will be the same.
Its a war zone inside there. Its contstant torture. Im always, every second of every day, afraid that im gaining weight, that im overeating. I live in fear and I dont want to!
Its so painful and I dont know why tonight is especially so.
Im laying here and besides all of that crap, Im also thinking of life stuff that has nothing to do with food. Im wondering why I wasnt important when I lived at the step down house. Im wondering why I am not as speical to K as C is, or why I was never A's pet like T is. When do I get to be special to someone? Ive always tried to MAKE myself special instead of assuming I should just BE special, but that hasnt really worked either... atleast not in a lasting way. I want to be special for who I am and not how much work I do.
I admit that ive been glancing a little longer at the diet pills lately... not buying or taking.... just looking... as if the right one might pop out at me.
I just dont want to live like this anymore. I want to trust myself and my body and my intuition and I FUCKING NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP ME DO THAT
I have a fucking headache and I cant sleep and Im whining and bitching and am probably going to regret posting this in the morning.

Argh!!

Hello 2009. Hello World.

A brief update on the current before I delve into the past...
I was supposed to go back to NYC today, but I am too sick, so I will be flying back wednesday.
I HATE laying around the house when I dont want to! I HATE staying home all day!

Anyway.

New Years Eve day was a beautiful mix of everything. I woke up in the morning and headed to the Krishna temple. I love the energy and community that exists there. The energy always makes my eyes water.
I met someone I hadnt seen in 6 years. I had a teacher in high school, who wasnt my teacher, but worked at the school. She was an AMAZING woman, who existed in a way that inspired me to want to be like her. She loved deeply, said what was on her mind, told her truth clearly, inspite of potential opposition and was just remarkable. She also gave rather amazing hugs.
She was the first teacher at the school who said out loud and clear that she was a lesbian, in school where we were based on diversity and she was respected for it.
She was the first adult that I came out to.
When I was living at the transition house, one day I wrote letters to all of the strong remarkable woman who I had encountered but lost along the way and she was one of them. I got an email back, but meeting up never worked. Years later, recently, we found eachother on facebook and have a lot in common. We both value vulnerability and are very spiritual people. She dances with 5 rhythyms and lives with a river coursing through her front yard. We have both changed a lot.
So we met up at the Krishna temple and laid on the grass and talked for 2 hours.
What a beautiful, full, whole woman!
She asked whatever happened after high school, what happened for me there, what became of my sexuality.
I told her my story as I now know it. She seemed a bit awed by the intensity of my journey. She mentioned that she didnt remember me as being heavy in high school. I was already well over 200 lbs, so I know I was. How interesting that she didnt remember me that way. She spoke of her first long term lover and how she was heavy and we both spoke about our appreciation of women who were atleast curvy or more well rounded.
It is true. I am more attracted to women with a little extra shape to them. I think bodies are sexy. We talked about feminism and weight and eating disorders a little bit.
She said something interesting about how having an eating disorder and being a feminist is only contradictory if you deny it, if you dont talk about it....
if you dont say that " yes, we starve ourselves, we throw up, we cut our bodies, we gorge ourselves on food. Yes. This is woman. It is not all woman, but it is one layer of woman.... welcome"
WOW. That felt really profound for me.
We talked about our lives... loves....
I talked about waking up to men in college and the fluidity of my sexuality. I realized in talking about it, how LITTLE I actually talk about it and in a way am almost dishonest about it in my lack of talking about it. Why is this? I have always been such an LGBT activist. Why dont I mention it?
I think that with regard to living in my truth, I am going to start questioning this and taking risks again with this. I will see what comes up, because I dont know WHY I dont talk about it much anymore.
I want to live my truth in it's wholeness.
We spoke about dancing, and vulnerability. About happiness and being happy. About old times! Embaressing old times... mostly hers... things she did as a teacher that she didnt remember... hysterical things like teaching about S&M during a women's studies sex ed class.
How we have all grown.
I said to her that as she was someone I always immensily respected and how good it feels to know that I have grown to embody some of the same things.
After that...
I left and went to my nutritionist... where I proceeded to flip out afterwards and put on PJ's and get into bed for awhile. I dont actually know WHY I flipped out other than some things were very triggering for me.
Then I spent the night with the girls I lived in the transition house with. We saw the Nixon movie, which was GREAT!
Then L and I went back to her apt and walked down to the beach just intime for midnight and 2009. We skipped, danced and felt the beauty of all that we were.
It was amazing!
I drove home and tried to sleep, but the Shakti from my Sangha's new years retreat wouldnt let me. I got up at the crack of dawn and drove up to Santa Barbara to meditate and welcome the new year. I drove two hours through the foggy dew... the ghosts of the past year leaving and when I walked into the room the energy was unspeakable. There was a 6 foot Shiva as part of the Puja... it was gorgeous!
We meditated all day and I got to catch up with E and got hugs from lot of people.
It was good to talk to my teacher as well. His energy was so healing and reinvigorating.
We read the gita together, which was cool.
I felt like I was cleansed in so many ways... which is perhaps why I am sick now... letting go of all the crap...
I drove back, hit a Jewish Deli and went to bed, to sleep better than in a long time.
I have been struggling a little bit with purging, on the topic of living in truth. Yeah. Welcome.
I am supposed to call a diatician in NYC... a specific one who is really good. Im scared frankly. I am scared shitless to have someone in my food again. I am so afraid I am overeating, which is why the purging is surfacing. Doing things from the past. I dont know.
In reality, I am here, this is my truth. Im going to speak it.
On another note, my mother just offered me a cookie and I turned it down. Why? Because I really didnt want it. COOL!
I am just trusting that amongst the chaos that has been my life with food, something in there is speaking, whispering and will get louder. As L said on new years as I was talking to her, I know and I have always known. I am most likely not overeating and am likely doing the exact right thing for me with food.
Im trying to trust.
I had most of my stitches out yesterday. Several of them popped again, so once again, I am left with open wounds. Okay. I can live that way. Metaphorically speaking, I have learned to live with open wounds, draining as opposed to attempting to keep mending something which will not mend.
So! Welcome 2009 and everybody in it. Welcome...
My resolution for all of you? May we ALL know our own beauty!