TwistedBarbie Weighs In

I have this intense resistance to blogging lately. I dont know why.
Maybe ill find out why by doing it...
So what is up? Im doing A LOT, but I want to be doing it all.
I "broke up
with my nutritionist. I wrote her a long sentimental and yet very true letter about getting needs met, etc. I sent it. I am half waiting to hear something from her, and half not. I dont know. My part is over.
Show up
Pay attention
tell the truth
let go

I am letting myself be helped. That feels new. Im opening, growing.
SOmeone asked how I was tonight and I was honest in that my energy has been very up and down and that I can be turned on and ready to take life on, one ginormous freaking thing at a time and the next, I am up all night, re-experiencing trauma that I didnt feel the first time.
I know I am moving through something.
The person I told this to... they said I could come hang out whenever, even if they were busy... if I didnt want to sit alone with that.
IT feels so good to be seen, to be helped, to be loved in that place.
I also have a BIG old crush. On a girl, for once. When was the last time that happened?
I feel so connected to her and RAWR... oy!

Hmm...
Oh, I said NO today. I stood up for myself.
The director of my placement site said It is now manditory that all interns be there until a certain time wednesday night. I am there until 7 (which already means I dont get home until 8:30). She wants us there until 8:30, which means I dont get home until 10, which means I dont get to sleep until 12 on a really good day. I would only get to sleep until 8 because I would have to be up and on the subway to be back at 10.
Its probably enough sleep, but I wouldnt get any work done, wouldnt have any time for Self.
It wouldnt feel really bad in my life.
She said I had to
I said no
She said I had to
I said NO, and I will call my field advisor to let him know that If this is a requirement then they will need to find me a new placement as I would never have accepted this 6 months ago if this had been a requirement.
I am not willing to do that to myself.
You know what?
that NO felt FUCKING GOOD!

Okay.... bed time....
For another time when I am more awake.... I need to journal about why it is so hard for me to ask for what I want when it involves other people.

OH, and I FREAKING have had it with Oprah.
After reading her magazine last month, I felt she redeemed herself.
On the cover of this months magazine?
WHICH DIET WORKS BEST.
Um... and yet ANOTHER magazine I cant read now.
Boo.